Happy Halloween!

I get a lot of corny email jokes from my mom but this one is actually funny.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't
want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK . My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party."

Hot Off The Presses!

Normally I wouldn't resort to reporting crass stories like the following but on the day before Halloween, how can anyone resist this headline?

Man in N.J. Charged with Having Sex with a Corpse

From 1010 WINS:

"TEANECK, N.J. (1010 WINS) -- Police in Teaneck arrested a man for allegedly having sex with a corpse.

Anthony Merino, a 24-year-old lab technician, was arrested Sunday after a security guard saw him having sex with a dead 92-year-old woman in the Holy Name Hospital morgue, police said. The suspect works part time at Holy Name Hospital, holds a full time job at Overlook Hospital and another part time position at Bio Reference Labs in New Jersey.

Merino is charged with desecrating human remains in the second degree. His bail has been set at $400,000.

Merino is also expected to undergo a psychological evaluation and is restricted from working in a health care facility."

Mean Spirited Monday

Every Monday morning I post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

Recently I told you that I don't care about or pay any attention to sports. So you know it must be bad when even I'm commenting on a sport-related item.

Last week, Rudy Giuliani informed a crowd at a stop on the campaign trail in MA that he is rooting for the Red Socks. I can only hope that this two-faced act will show the rest of the country why most New Yorkers have always despised him.

So, here he is, former (thank god) NYC Mayor and presidential-praying piece of shit, Rudy Giuliani, let the meanness begin!

Pissing Me Off Today

the obese woman on the train this morning who didn't think it would be necessary for her to move out of the doorway when the train stopped at 34th street to let half the passengers off the car. I wonder what would have happened if I shouted out loud what I was thinking in my head - "Move it fat ass"!

my morning coffee-cart guy who is MIA today. Not only does he sell the best coffee in this neighborhood but he is conveniently located directly outside my building entrance. This weak crap I was forced to go out of my way for is no substitute.

the mindless PR tool whose idiotic emails I have to take time to respond to.

It's really turning out to be one hell of a morning!

Dead or Alive?

This past weekend, I was hanging out with Seth and Kitty and during a typical conversation had an idea for a new recurring post. The gist of this post is so simple and obvious that I would be surprised if someone else isn't already doing it on a blog or other form or media. If someone else is doing it, I've never heard of you and, quite frankly, it's not my fault that you have so little buzz that you've remained unheard of to me.*

With that said, the new post is titled "Dead or Alive?" The rules are simple, I post a picture and ask the question, Dead or Alive? then you answer.

Up first, television's Jonathan Winters, dead or alive?




*I know there are plenty of sites that allow you to search out whether specific people are dead or alive but I don't know of any that ask the readers to make a game of it.

Just Because ...

it's so much fun,

Mean Spirited Monday

Every Monday morning I post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

After teasing us with fall-like weather for 2 full days, the weather in NYC is once again balmy and heading for the 80s.

So for this week's Mean Spirited Monday, lets turn our weather rage towards the person responsible for this mess, Mother Nature. Let the meanness begin!

I Told You So

Remember back in August I told you about the Army's killer robot thingy? Well, the world moved one step closer to the Terminator style future I mentioned in that post.

Apparently the Oerlikon GDF-005 anti-aircraft gun robot went berserk and killed 9 members of the South African National Defense Force before it was finally shut down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Robots don't like us.

Shocking!

I never thought in a million years that I would say or type the following words but, I think the MTA has a great idea with these street compasses on the sidewalks outside of subway entrances.

Back in the old days, whenever I exited an unfamiliar subway stop, I would look for the Twin Towers in the distance to orient myself. Now, I sometimes wander an entire block in the wrong direction before realizing what has happened.

I'm sure the MTA will find a way to screw up this great idea (like making the decals too small for more than 2 or 3 people to view at once, thereby causing more congestion at the tops of the subway stairs as confused idiots form a crowd to see what everyone else is looking at) but I'm going to just hope it all works out.

I Have A Confession To Make

Anyone who has known me for a while won't find this confession the least bit surprising but others may be shocked and disgusted. Here it goes, I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in sports.

I couldn't give a flying fig if your favorite team just won or lost the pennant. In fact, I don't even know if the World's Series has happened yet. I know it happens sometime soon because Turkey and Jdizzle came to visit recently and there was a lot of talk (on their part) about the Phillies and the World Series. Did the Phillies win? Is it over? When does foot ball start? I only ask because foot ball games seem to take place on Sunday a lot and they always run late invariable screwing up the recording times of my Sunday programs.

There you have it. The ugly truth. Think of me as you will.

Mean Spirited Monday

Every Monday morning I post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

This week's M.S.M. subject was suggested by Kelly and he is the perfect candidate for meanness. I don't know why but everybody I know seems to hate this guy. It's non other than actor and perpetual skulker, Adam Goldberg. Let the meanness begin!

Jeffrah's Book Club

So, I know at our last book club meeting I told you I was reading Memoirs of a Buccaneer, Dampier's New Voyage Round The World by William Dampier. Unfortunately, I decided to put this one aside and save it for summer. It's a great book but it just wasn't sucking me in as I had hoped and I think first-hand tales of pirates and treasure will make for a great beach read.

So I decided to go old school classic and picked up The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Five hours later, I had finished one of the best books I have read in a long time.

Sure, I was supposed to read Gatsby in school like everyone else but I never cared much for being told what to read. I either skimmed the Cliff's Notes or just cheated my way through most lit examines. If you did the same, or its been so long since you read The Great Gatsby and the years of drinking have wiped the memory of it from your booze-addled brain, then I highly recommend giving this classic another look.

I enjoyed it so much that I decided to read another Fitzgerald novel, The Beautiful And Damned. I'll let you know how that one is as soon as I finish it.

So, what's everybody else reading?

HELP! **Update**

**Update**

Since I'm sure you are all dieing to know how I dealt with my zipper conundrum, I slowly walked to the nearest department store, where I purchased a new pair of jeans to get me through the rest of the day.

**Update**

I just got back to my desk after walking a few blocks to grab lunch. The whole time I was on the street I felt the strangest sensation - a cool breeze on my crotch. My first thought was that my fly was down so I discreetly checked to make sure the zipper pull thingy was up where it belonged. It wasn't until I got back to my office that I realized the pull thingy was in the right place but the entire zipper had broken and separated and sure enough my fly was open. Thanks a lot J-Crew for such durable craftsmanship.

So now I'm back at my desk with a busted zipper that won't work and therefore my fly is permanently stuck in the open position. So what should I do?

Zombies On My Brain

Last night, Seth, Kitty, Kitty's Husband and I saw Resident Evil Extinction and now we are all ready to kick some zombie ass! This is the third film in the RE series and judging by the ending, may not be the last. I won't give anything away in case you haven't seen it yet but rest assured, its worth it!

Zombie movies are my favorite style of horror flick and I've always been a bit obsessed with zombies. The only recurring nightmare I've ever had has been the one I have several times a year in which I'm being chased by zombies. I think this obsession has a lot to do with my germophobic hang-ups since zombie-ism is a rapidly spreading infection. But that only affects the living population, there are also the zombies that crawl out from the graves in search of brains. When I "go", I plan to be cremated to avoid coming back as one of the walking dead.

Until then, I'm working on building my zombie-safe refuge in the wilderness of upstate New York. When the outbreak happens, you are all welcome on the refuge but be prepared for a full body inspection first because if I see any bite marks, you aren't getting in.

I'm Ready to Fall Back

Is anybody else having a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning when it's so dark out? I keep thinking it must be raining or something is wrong with my clock and it's actually the middle of the night. Well I have just what you need to make getting up on a dark morning a whole lot easier - Seth's latest podcast.

It's a funky fun number sure to get you in the get-up, featuring Sly and the Family Stone with just the right amount of Sethence added to the mix. Listen now at Seth In Brooklyn and enjoy!

Mean Spirited Monday

Every Monday morning I post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

We held another stoop sale over the weekend. This one was a little more impromptu than the last, which is why I didn't mention it here last week. Usually when we hold a stoop sale, I like to set a goal for what I'm going to spend the money we make on. Sometimes that goal is just beer and booze. For the stoop sale we held a few weeks ago, the goal was to make enough money to buy a new printer/scanner/copier machine. We made enough and, as an informed consumer, I've been searching around for the best deal on this machine.

Last week I stepped into Staples and picked up the weekly circular to see the printer I've had my eye on prominently displayed on the front page and marked down $35! Sweet! Well of course they didn't have any in stock so I went to another location by my office to hear the same story. Finally, at a third Staples (all within a few blocks of where I work) the salesperson let me in on a little truth, Staples hasn't carried this model for a while and only use the ad to lure people in and then sucker them into buying the new model. From what I can tell, the new model does the exact same job as the last one but costs about $60 more.

Which brings me to this week's Mean Spirited Monday - Mass Market Stores. You might not have a Staples story of your own to bitch about so feel free to use the comments section to sound off on any of these giant shop-orama shit-shows. And remember, be mean spirited!

Tomorrow, Leprachons at the Met

I'm not sure if you can clearly read the type on this subway car advertisement. It reads, "MYTHIC CREATURES, Unicorns, Dragons, and Mermaids. The Museum of Natural History".

Does anyone else think this is an odd exhibit for a museum of Natural History?

While I'm Sleeping

I know I've been shirking my blogging duties a lot lately and I promise, we will have a cozy fireside chat soon when I'll tell you about all the things I've been doing other than blogging. In the meantime, if you are feeling a little Jeff-deficient, then pop on over to Nocturnal Admission, where Kelly has recently launched a new section to make fun of me called "Jeff-isms".

WTF!?

The words "humid" and "muggy" should never need to be associated with the date October 3. Right now we should be thinking about gourdes, pumpkin-spice lattes, sweaters and road trips through New England to enjoy the fall foliage (no, I've never actually done that either but I think about it every year on October 3).

Instead, as I've done for the past four months, I started my day off thinking about what I could wear that would be appropriate for work but not cause me to sweat to death before getting there. Welcome to the tropical island of Manhattan!

I guess I'll just have to sit here in my short-sleeves with the AC cranked up and stair at this lovely photo.

Mean Spirited Mondays

Every Monday morning I post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

I don't know about you but I don't write too many checks these days. The only check I write regularly is for my rent. So it's been a while since I've had to order new checks. In fact, the address printed on my checks is an apartment I lived in seven years ago.

As it turns out, I'm finally getting down to the last 10 checks or so, which can probably last me half a year but I decided to play it safe and order new ones. I know that I could have done that online or even through the ATM, but the whole checkbook concept seems so antiquated that I thought it would best to go the old fashioned route and actually enter a bank and speak to a human being. This process was simple and after a few minutes with the customer service person, I was assured my checks would arrive in 7 days. Seventeen days later, I received a starter set of checks numbered 1 through 50. That's all! So now I'll being going to the internets and ordering the correct checks on my own.

This long winded story brings me to today's victim, J.P. Morgan from J.P. Morgan Chase Manhattan Bank. I realize you might not bank with Chase but surely you have a frustrating bank experience of your own so I invite you to take it out on Mr. Morgan in the comments section.