Man At Work Update

After reading your comments to my earlier post, announcing something big in the works for pop-o-matic I figured I'd better give you a hint or risk disappointing you with the announcement.

Hint: You will never look at pop-o-matic the same way again.

The Mystery Of Stonehenge Solved

A team of archaeologist led by Marcus Brody has unearthed the true purpose of the ancient monument located in the English county of Wiltshire. In an interview this morning on The Early Show, Brody revealed the findings of his team's work. It turns out, that Stonehenge was an ancient day spa, where the well-to-do of the dark ages would visit for the healing waters, relaxing surroundings and botox treatments.

No comment yet from the Druids who must be embarrassed to learn that the ancient structure they have been squatting in and worshiping at was originally erected by the Swedish to pamper DAPs (Dark Age Princesses).

The Dipstick Of The Week Award

I know it's only Tuesday but there is no way anyone is going to pull a bigger boner* than our governor, Eliot Spitzer. Personally, I'm not bothered by the fact that he was visiting a lady of the evening. I always thought he looked a bit sleazy and figured he was probably up to far worse than hookers. What shocks me is how stupid he must be to think that the governor of New York would be able to get away with flying a prostitute from NY to Washington DC for a $4000 "date". It's as if he was taking advice from Britney Spears on this one. Way to go dipstick!








*Bon.er - Noun: silly or stupid mistake

The Headline Says It All Part II

Sometimes the only part of an article worth reading is the headline. Here are a few I came across today. Follow the links for the full stories.

"Ex-Newark Mayor Billed Porn Movies to City"
full story from 1010Wins

"Man accidentally shoots self in buttocks"
full story from AP

"Attackers chop off man's 'magic' leg"
full story from AP

"South Korea clone glowing cats"
video on the BBC

The Headline Says It All

Sometimes the only part of an article worth reading is the headline. Here are a few I came across today. Follow the links for the full stories.

"Icelandic teenage caller tricks White House" from Reuters, Full story

"Man drinks liter of vodka at airport line" from the AP Full Story

"Pilot recounts eight days lost in bush" from Reuters, Full story

Copied From Today's Headlines: N.J. Substitute Teacher Accused of Being Drunk

From 1010wins.com:

"MANALAPAN, N.J. (AP) -- Bail is set at $25,000 for a substitute teacher accused of being drunk in class in Manalapan.

School officials said fourth-grade students at Pine Brook Elementary School knew something was wrong when their substitute fell out of her chair, had trouble getting up and held her coffee mug tightly."

I have to ask the following - Turkey, were you subbing in Manalapan yesterday?

Hot Off The Presses!

Normally I wouldn't resort to reporting crass stories like the following but on the day before Halloween, how can anyone resist this headline?

Man in N.J. Charged with Having Sex with a Corpse

From 1010 WINS:

"TEANECK, N.J. (1010 WINS) -- Police in Teaneck arrested a man for allegedly having sex with a corpse.

Anthony Merino, a 24-year-old lab technician, was arrested Sunday after a security guard saw him having sex with a dead 92-year-old woman in the Holy Name Hospital morgue, police said. The suspect works part time at Holy Name Hospital, holds a full time job at Overlook Hospital and another part time position at Bio Reference Labs in New Jersey.

Merino is charged with desecrating human remains in the second degree. His bail has been set at $400,000.

Merino is also expected to undergo a psychological evaluation and is restricted from working in a health care facility."

You Can't Take It With You

To be fair, I don't know a lot about Leona Helmsley. It is possible that she got an undeserved bad rap but I doubt that she achieved the universally recognized moniker, "The Queen of Mean" because of her charitable contributions and sunny demeanor. Whatever she was when alive, her decaying corpse will be spending eternity like a Roman empress in lavish afterlife opulence.

Helmsley will be entombed in a $1.4 million mausoleum in Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. The 1,300-square foot granite mausoleum features a dozen Doric columns and stained glass windows that recreate the Manhattan skyline.

1,300-square feet!? You could fit my entire apartment, which by NYC standards is a good size, in that crypt and still have room for a cemetery's worth of corpses. What a waste of money, resources and land.

Hypocritic Oaf

I've stated numerous times here on pop-o-matic that I don't pay much attention to politics, current events, news, undertow currents, or traffic signals. To be fair, its really not my fault. I can't read "The papers" because they are unwieldy and make my fingers dirty, TV news is vapid and insulting and news on the internets has too many words and not enough pictures.

So instead, I keep up to date and informed through word-of-mouth, street performers, and bathroom walls. You might be surprised at how many budding journalists use these walls to disseminate information. I like to think of these modern day Publick Occurrences as "All the news that's fit for a shit".

If you are one of the fives of regular readers here on pop-o-matic, chances are good that you're not too concerned with the world around you anymore than I am (ahem, Heather). So in an effort to broaden all of our horizons and make us better cocktail party conversationalists, I've decided to launch a new news-like section titled Hypocritic Oaf.

For the first edition of Hypocritic Oaf, I'd like to tell you about Glenn Murphy, recently elected and even more recently abdicated leader of the Young Republican National Federation. It seems Glenn was an up and coming fine young Republican being groomed by his Republican overlords for both local and national government roles. Glenn was fond of using divisive issue such as gay marriage to garner support for the Republican party. It turns out, Glenn was also fond of dick something else.

After a recent Young Republican party, Glenn and another young (22) Republican, who we'll refer to as Boy Toy, were too intoxicated to drive home and at the urging of Boy Toy's sister (whose house the party was at) decided to spend the night. In the early morning hours, Boy Toy woke up to find Glenn performing oral sex on him. Boy Toy pushed Glenn aside, gathered his shit and split leaving Glenn to explain what happened to the sister.

Since then, Police have charged Glenn with "Criminal Deviate Conduct", a class B felony and Glenn contends that the actions were between two consenting adults. I guess according to Glenn, a snore is as good as a yes. So be warned fellow snorers, you never know what you are agreeing to as you sleep.

Stop Or My Robot Will Shoot

I've always been a firm believer that humanity's future is sure to play out as it does in the Terminator movies. Eventually our machines will rise from their mundane tasks and enslave the human race. It probably won't happen tomorrow or next week but beyond that is anyone's guess. I'll leave it to the brain trusts and egg-heads to debate when we should expect the computer calamity.

In the meantime, with my dire ideas in mind, stories like the following, about machine gun wielding robots in the employ of the government always grab my attention.

From Wired:

Robots have been roaming the streets of Iraq, since shortly after the war began. Now, for the first time -- the first time in any warzone -- the machines are carrying guns.

After years of development, three "special weapons observation remote reconnaissance direct action system" (SWORDS) robots have deployed to Iraq, armed with M249 machine guns. The 'bots "haven't fired their weapons yet," Michael Zecca, the SWORDS program manager, tells DANGER ROOM. "But that'll be happening soon."

Fear the future my friends and hope that Governor Schwarzenegger is in fact a human and not some killing machine from the future here to recruit our ATMs and George Forman Grills to his cause.

Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing Part 2

If you haven't already read part 1 of my Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing recap then please click here and read it so I don't have to retype anything (sorry, I'm lazy). Go ahead, the rest of us will wait while you get caught up. ...... Done? Great, lets get to part 2!

In addition to the Wii Wheel, which we discussed in part 1 so I hope you weren't lying when you said you read it, Nintendo will also release two additional Wii controller accessories. The first, the Wii Zapper (working name), is a unique hand-held frame that allows you to attach both the Wii-Remote and Nunchuk to each other in a blaster housing. And just why would you want to do this you might ask? First-person shooter games of course! The Zapper will arrive this year packaged with a Nintendo developed game. My guess is the game will be something that recreates those crazy carnival games where you shoot water into a clown's mouth and a balloon inflates out of his head. Does anyone else find that creepy? Regardless of the Nintendo game, the Zapper will really shine on Capcom's new Resident Evil game, the Umbrella Chronicles. This shooter reveals the back story behind the fall of the Umbrella Corporation by exploring locations from previous Resident Evil titles plus never-before-seen locations, like Umbrella's stronghold. This is definitely not your father's zombie blasting game.

The other big news from yesterday's briefing is Wii Fit, a new game that will make going to the gym obsolete if Nintendo has their way. Fit comes with the Wii Wireless Balance Board (working name), a pressure sensitive board that looks like a large scale. You begin Fit by standing on the board and having some basic measurements taken and recorded. Don't worry, you won't have to endure seeing your weight displayed on your plasma because Fit measures and tracks your Body Mass Index (BMI). The game then offers more than 40 activities including aerobics, yoga, muscle stretches, and hula hooping plus sports, like soccer. The idea is to stay active while having fun and hopefully watch your BMI come down.

The Wii Zapper and Resident Evil: Umbrella Corporation are scheduled to be in stores in time for the holidays. No date was given for Wii Fit but it should be out some time in 2008.

Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing Part 1

First of all, I want to thank my friends at Nintendo for bringing today's E3 Media Briefing to New York. Today's briefing, which took place in Santa Monica on Day 1 of E3, was broadcast at Nintendo World in Rockefeller center for those of us who didn't bother to go couldn't make it to CA for this year's stripped-down expo.

A majority of the briefing was spent citing some incredibly impressive numbers that validate Nintendo's general awesomeness and dominance in the industry. I'm not going to bore you with numbers because lets face it, unless you are an accountant, numbers are boring. Instead, I'm going to get to the good stuff and by stuff, I mean new games!

Including downloadable Virtual Console titles, there are currently over 150 games available for the Wii. By the end of the year, that number will climb to roughly 350. I guess I lied about not talking about numbers. Some of those games were shown today along with additional titles due in 2008. This year we should see the release of Super Mario Galaxy (finally), which was originally shown at last year's E3 event. Galaxy looks amazing and takes the Mario franchise, originally launched with Super Mario 64, into an entirely new world. Players navigate Mario through a series of gravity-defying planets, challenges and power-ups in vivid detail.

Also due before the end of the year is Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This sequel to the number one selling game of all time on Nintendo's GameCube ups the ante with new characters, new moves and new arenas in this smash or be smashed brawling game.

One of the most highly anticipated games due next year from Nintendo is Mario Kart Wii (working title). The Wii edition of the popular and long running Mario Kart series, will allow players to challenge and race other players around the world through Nintendo's WiFi service. In order to keep the race fair and give both beginners and pros a chance to win, Mario Kart Wii will come with Nintendo's new wireless Wii Wheel, a steering wheel housing for the Wii-Remote that introduces new controls and challenges.

I've got oodles of more Nintendo goodness to share with you but not enough space to do it in one post. So, check back tomorrow for part 2 of my report from the Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing.

News Dump

From Monday's Curbed.com comes the following story:

The plague of human defecation spreading across Boerum Hill as of late has the neighborhood awash in crap and up in arms. Comes this morning to the Curbed inbox the first bona fide break in the case—a genuine crapper sighting!

Emails our tipster, "I just spent my morning cleaning poop off of my stoop. For the second time in two weeks I got pooped on. This time I saw her. I live on Dean St between Hoyt and Bond. 6:00am this morning my wife heard..... well peeing.... she woke me up and I went to the door. I live in the garden apartment so I looked up and saw butt—thus I yelled 'HEY MOVE YOUR ASS!!!!' This was the first time in my life that I literally meant it."

I'm sure Kelly whoever this is had a perfectly reasonable excuse.

Political Diatribe #1

***********************************
UPDATE! Since first publishing the below post, Paris Hilton has been ordered to return to jail! I'd like to think this post had something to do with that so please just let me keep believing that.
*************************************


If you have read this blog from time to time you've probably noticed that I rarely discuss politics, the "news" or celebrity gossip. My stance on these topics is that there are entirely too many outlets vomiting up that information so there is no need for me to regurgitate what you already know or can easily read on E, cnn or the Wall Street Journal.

That's why it pains me to type this post. My conscience and too much beer has the better of me at the moment and I must tell you how fucking* pissed off I am about P. Hilton being released from jail after serving just two days of her sentence.

Let me start by saying, I have nothing against Paris Hilton. I publicly admit that I enjoy 'The Simple Life' and even have her song from last summer on my iPod (what can I say, I like crap pop music). What pisses me off about this whole debacle, is that it proves the American legal system is a complete bullshit farce where those with money and power can do whatever they want and get away with it.

Lets imagine for a moment that you, assuming you are like me and not a billionaire celebrity, get arrested for drunk driving. here is what will happen, you will lose your license, get hit with a fee and spend several months worth of time in Wednesday evening classes with your fellow unlucky ripped roadsters. Now, heaven forbid during the time you should be in "class" you get picked up by the cops for driving with a suspended license. Guess what? You are fucked! You are going to jail for the maximum time allotted, not some bullshit two week stint with "special needs" privileges. and once you get there, you are in! No one is going to let YOU out after two days because you are having medical problems can't handle it.

So why did Paris get preferential treatment from the United States government? Because her family has power and oodles of money!

During the Civil War, the draft was enacted under the title, "the Enrollment Act". This act contained several paragraphs of small print exemptions, which allowed any man who was drafted to buy his way out of service if he could pay the "commutation fee" of $300.00 (a huge sum back then).

Eventually this insane and entirely prejudicial law led to the Draft Riots in New York City. Angry mobs of poor people who would never come close to raising that kind of money went on a destructive rampage, taking out their rage and frustration on the city's black citizens. As the angry mob made its way uptown towards the mansions of 5th Avenue, the army was called in, fresh from the battle at Gettysburg, to put the riot down.

I'm not saying that everyone who isn't a hotel heiress should rebel and riot against the government. But how can a country that we were all raised to believe was founded on equality and freedom allow its officers and law keepers to exhibit such blatant preferential treatment? What sort of example does this latest miscarriage of justice set for the rest of us? Why don't we all start breaking laws and cite the case of Paris Hilton vs. The Legal System of the United States of America as our defense?

Ok, I'm off my soap box and promise to return to my usual format of post that deal with how drunk I was last night.


*This is the first time in the history of my blog that I have typed the word "fuck".

From Today's Headlines

If you have visited this site before you know I rarely, if ever, discuss anything happening in the world of politics or news. That's Entertainment Tonight's job, not mine.

I have been hearing a lot about the recent controversy surrounding some comments that Imus (whoever the hell that is) made on the radio (do people still listen to non-satellite radio). And while I have no idea what he said, I have a question of my own. Is Imus alive or is he actually dead and just being manipulated by a couple of low level radio employees, one of whom is looking to get ahead while the other is just out for fun, ala Weekend At Bernie's I mean come on, look at this picture of him. I've seen healthier and more lively faces at wakes and I'm talking about the guests of honor.