Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Dear Genteel Geoff,

I was eating my pizza at the top of the subway stairs the other day around 5:00 and these people kept giving me dirty looks when they tried to get past me. What should I have responded to these rude assholes?

Thanks,
Peggy Isabel Grant


Dear PIG,

Only the homeless and pigeons should be eating on our city's sidewalks. New York City is host to many of the finest brasseries on the planet and they all provide beautiful surroundings and relaxing accommodations designed to complement the carte du jour. My assistant informs me of the existence of pizza parlors where the diners order at a counter and take their food back to a table on their own. If they exist near my Park Avenue home they are well hidden as I have never spotted one, however, I imagine they might be a bit of a lark when one chooses to "slum it". Regardless of why one would choose to dine in such a place, what should be pointed out is the presence of tables where you should have eaten your pizza. If the parlor was crowded, you should have asked your companion to announce your arrival to the Maitre d' before purchasing your super.

Why you would choose to eat your supper while standing on a sidewalk is beyond me, however, if this decision was reached out of necessity, why would you choose the top of a busy stairwell to root your rotund rump? Perhaps, due to lack of grace and manners, you simply choose to ignore the fundamentals of an entry way. Let me explain how these areas operate; people enter and exit through them as they go about their business. Sounds simple does it not, PIG? When an obstacle, such as yourself, blocks an entry way, the entire system, which for a New York City subway entrance can quickly add up to hundreds of people, is forced to reroute and faced with unnecessary delays and inconveniences.

In the future, PIG, if you must enjoy your culinary delights on a public thoroughfare, please have the common decency to stand clear of any doorways, stairwells, or entryways. You will be spared from having to deal with unwanted looks and the general public going about their business won't be subjected to the unavoidable scene of you masticating your meal.

Remember, manners are the glue that hold society together.
Genteel Geoff

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Dear Genteel Geoff,

Yesterday on my way home from work, I was going in the subway at the 42nd street Bryan Park stop. I stopped in the turnstile as I always do and propped my bag up on the shelf to my left to find my metrocard. Out of nowheres some person comes up and axes me to move my bag so they can get threw the turnstile on my left. It was a good thing for that mofo that it took me another 10 minutes to find my card cause I was gonna catch him and beat his ass.

Whats up with that?
Anita Sue-Simmons


Dear ASS,

Allow me to begin by saying that I am familiar with the Bryan"T" Park subway station. This particular station possesses such an abundance of underground space adjacent to the turnstiles, that you will find the MTA "ticket booth, a florist with a wonderful selection of cut flowers and small plants, and a full newsstand stocked with daily periodicals and monthly magazines. Might I suggest that in the future, today for example, you take advantage of the spaciousness of this station and stand clear of the turnstiles as you dig through your rudely over-sized bag in search of your Metrocard. You see, ASS, by standing in one turnstile and propping your bag on the card scanner of another, you are blocking two of the four turnstiles that are actually in working order.

This may come as a shock to you, but you are not the only person in New York City. I imagine you also choose to stand on the subway station steps to finish phone calls or cigarettes and probably stop at the immediate top of an escalator to gather your bearings. If you were to take your head out of your bag, ASS, you might notice the millions of other New Yorkers around you, who also just want to go home or do a little shopping. If everyone of those New Yorkers were as oblivious to each other as you, none of us would ever get anywhere.

So try being a little more aware of those around you and remember, ASS, that manners are the glue that hold society together.

Sincerely,
Genteel Geoff

Something That Peeves Me

When a person walks into an establishment that requires them to order something over a counter (i.e. deli, bodega, food cart, concession stand, fast food joint, etc.) and they begin the order with the words "Let me get".

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Hi Genteel Geoff,

Nasty children like to walk through our yard as a “short cut” to school. We put up a fence and now they walk around it and there’s a path where the grass has been worn down. What can I do to keep those sod-destroying parasites off my lawn?

Thanks much,
Jessica
West Chester

Dear Jessica,

A great man once said, "I believe that children are the future but today belongs to us!" Have you tried meeting the little urchins as they plod across your grounds and politely ask them to stop cutting corners? This may be highly effective if you live in an area populated by children from the 1950's or who may be mentally challenged. Otherwise, try meeting the parasites with a riffle in hand when you have your little tete-a-tete.

If appealing directly to the snot-factories fails, your next option would be to establish the area as a bete noir by strategically placing a hornet's nest, large amount of rat poison, or rotten eggs amidst the area in question.

Above all else, keep your composure and dignity, and rest easy in the knowledge that most of those children will be in jail or on the front lines soon enough. Remember Jessica, manners are the glue that holds society together.

Sincerely,
Genteel Geoff

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Dear Genteel Geoff,

I like to finish my cell phone calls on the steps leading into the subway. Is this wrong?

-Frank,
Astoria Terrace


Dear F.A.T.,

Whether you are referring to the underground transit system or hoi polloi "hoagie" shop, the answer is the same - you are an ill-mannered clod and the turd clogging the pipes of progress. Those stairwells are designed with just enough room for two columns of average sized strap-hangers to politely pass one another. One column enters the station while the other exits. When a dunderhead such as yourself galumphs along the stair and comes to a stop in order to finish your undoubtedly trivial chat, the entire enter-and-exit system is thrown off.

In the future, kindly finish your mobile conversation on the sidewalk, taking care to stand clear of the steps entirely. Remember F.A.T., manners are the glue that holds society together.

Sincerely,
Genteel Geoff