Thursday, March 08, 2007

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at

Hi Genteel Geoff,

Nasty children like to walk through our yard as a “short cut” to school. We put up a fence and now they walk around it and there’s a path where the grass has been worn down. What can I do to keep those sod-destroying parasites off my lawn?

Thanks much,
West Chester

Dear Jessica,

A great man once said, "I believe that children are the future but today belongs to us!" Have you tried meeting the little urchins as they plod across your grounds and politely ask them to stop cutting corners? This may be highly effective if you live in an area populated by children from the 1950's or who may be mentally challenged. Otherwise, try meeting the parasites with a riffle in hand when you have your little tete-a-tete.

If appealing directly to the snot-factories fails, your next option would be to establish the area as a bete noir by strategically placing a hornet's nest, large amount of rat poison, or rotten eggs amidst the area in question.

Above all else, keep your composure and dignity, and rest easy in the knowledge that most of those children will be in jail or on the front lines soon enough. Remember Jessica, manners are the glue that holds society together.

Genteel Geoff

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