DONT BOTHER ME

Am I the only person that doesn't give a shit about Paul McCartney's divorce? I just don't understand why anybody under the age of 50 would care. No offense to diehard Beatles fans (the title of this entry is just for you) but let the AARP monthly magazine cover this story. Maybe if the tabloids and paparazzi hadn't been so busy following this over-the-hill, incontinence story they would have found out about Ryan and Reese's split last week.

STUPID FARMERS

Did everybody remember to set their clocks back an hour over the weekend? I didn't! I dragged my incredibly
hungover-from-Chris-&-Gary's-wedding ass out of bed at 8am, which turned out to be 7am! Unfortunately, I didn't realize my mistake until 12pm (my time) and by then it was already 11am (rest of the East Coast time) and it was too late to go back to bed. I plan to get even for this lost sleeping time by not shopping at any farmer's markets for the rest of the month. That'll learn them!

AFTERNOON DELITE

Need a good chuckle? Check out this website - http://straightguysatnyu.com. Don't worry, its safe for viewing at work.

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

This weekend we went to Chris & Gary's wedding, the third and final wedding for me in 2006. And now the moment you've all been waiting for - whose wedding was the best! Just kidding. From Heather & Mike's mountain retreat to Scott & Nichole's desert oasis to Chris & Gary's city chic - all three weddings were a blast, with tons of fun and some touching moments. All required a tremendous amount of work to pull off and leave me asking "Why don't people elope"?

Chris & Gary held their ceremony and reception at a quaint restaurant in Chelsea with fire places burning and candles everywhere. It was a creepy Halloweeny day with high winds and fast moving clouds that complemented the jack-o-lantern center pieces and candy strewn tables inside. It was great to see RBC friends, Michelle and Liz (plus their husbands) and I even made a new friend from High School - Jen who was there with her husband as well. I also got to laugh again about the Stoop Sale Nut Job (http://pop-o-matic.blogspot.com/2006/10/crazy-people-love-crap.html) with fellow Park Slopers and hang out with Chris' college friends, who we were seated with. I guess Chris knows us well as she put our table right next to the bar. I also got to chat with Chris' mom who I haven't seen in years and meet Gary's family, a great bunch of people who give new meaning to the title Philly Fanatic - how many people do you know that can sing the Eagles' fight song?

Congratulations again to all my friends and family who tied the knot this year. I'm already looking forward to my sister's and cousin's weddings next year (no they aren't marrying each other). I hope they and their fiances weddings turn out as great as all of yours did.

FATTY FATTY TWO BY FOUR

So far I’ve generally steered clear of making fun of reality TV people. At least aside from a few comments here and there. The reason is, I believe the networks when they tell us that these people are “real people”, and they are “just like us”!

But I’ve recently come to the conclusion that if you choose to put yourself on any public domain, such as TV, then you are sending out an open invitation to all to ridicule and mock you in the public domain. The only exception is choosing to enter the public domain with a blog in which case, you should never have to taste your own medicine.

I also doubt that any reality TV people will ever be reading this blog. So for all these reasons and more, I can proudly declare “I can’t stand Kai on the Fattest Loser”! I hate how she gives the blue team dirty looks during the weigh-in, just standing there with fat arms crossed and resting on her gut, and her constant nasty remarks are uncalled for. Her negative and bitchy attitude might fly on Survivor (where I’m sure her tribe-mates would have already voted her off or eaten her by now) but it’s not necessary at the ranch. In my opinion, TV bitches should look a certain way; like Amanda on Melrose or Alexis on Dynasty or Alexandra on Josie & The Pussycats. Those ladies were bitches!

And while were talking about Loser, what drugs is Trainer Bob doing and where do I get some? There’s no way a good looking, in-shape fella like that can be so genuinely happy about hugging those obese guys. I just wish somebody would tell him the fohawk is totally 2005.

NOW I CAN TELL YOU

My server was "updating" yesterday when I wanted to post the following but everything is back up and. . .

Now! I can tell you about Madonna on Oprah
About adoption and bullshit
and all the crap she's endured
Don't it make you cringe?
Just let her be
Let her be
Now I can tell you about the place, Africa
no it won't last long
and all those lies they will be burned!
Just let her be
Oh let her be
Got to let her be
Won’t you let her be?

So, did you see Madonna (live via satellite from London, England) on Oprah? Madonna came out swinging and quickly dispelled the rumors. The most interesting of which was that Angelina Jolie convinced her not to adopt an LA orphan and instead go to Africa. According to Madonna, she has never even met Jolie. In my opinion, any filthy rich person who CHOOSES to go to Africa deserves an award. The places Madonna was photographed visiting make India look like a day spa. So from the horse rider's mouth, Madonna legally adopted (rescued from certain disease and death) this kid. The father was fully aware and only after the fact, let some shysters talk him into bilking Madonna for money. That kid will grow up one of the three most privileged kids in the world and if Madonna wants to adopt a little 30-something year old from Brooklyn, I'm available!

LET IT WILL BE

Have you been paying attention to the latest, and ridiculous, Madonna controversary? She went through the process of adopting an African baby (they're so hot right now) and now the media is giving her a hard time for it, saying she illegally bought that baby. Well, today all will be put to rest when Oprah, the king Solomon of our times, sits with Madge for a little heart to heart. I've got someone in the field who will be watching it and giving me a full recap and telling me if its something I need to watch also. I'll keep you posted!

ADAM ENTERS THE MPC CONE

Our favorite ex(soon-to-be re)patriot is making headlines, literally. Last week, The Times ran an article about Adam's new position at Reuter's latest bureau. In case you didn't read the article, the new bureau is in the online game Second Life. Adam created an online version of himself and will report to the new Reuters Second Life building to cover news for the more than 850,000 players of the game.

Second Life is an online community with its own monetary system, shops and businesses. Players create online characters that represent themselves, called "avatars" (just like in the movie Tron) and interact in a real economy, where U.S. dollars can be exchanged for Linden dollars. The avatars can take on just about any name and physical attribute -- some people create accurate versions of themselves while others use the community to live vicariously and anonymously by posing as someone totally different.

I'M BACK!

It's Monday morning and Toy Fair is finally over. After spending the past 4 days (yes, even Saturday and Sunday) eating, breathing and sleeping toys, I don't want to even say the word "toys" again. Unfortunately, there's a little event on the horizon called "The Holiday Season", which means I'm now heading into my busiest time of year.

Fortunately, I'll be spending a lot of that busy time in front of a computer so I will be blogging as often as I can. Speaking of which, lets talk about this week's Amazing Race. You should stop reading here if you don't want to know who got eliminated. Thank god Peter and Sarah are gone because I couldn't stand to watch him treat her like crap any longer. Don't get me wrong, I love watching the couples self destruct and blow up at each other. But Peter's meanness was sneaky and mental and not entertaining. Did he even do any of the road block challenges? It seemed like every time there was an incredibly physical challenge, Peter made Sarah do it. Cheers to Sarah, who proved a person with only one leg can kick ass! Jeers to Peter, who proved a person with half a brain is just an idiot.

SORRY

I know I've been shirking my blogging responsibilities lately but its been a busy week. For starters, I was in Florida this past weekend for my dad's 60th birthday. I surprised/scared-the-hell-out-of dad by showing up Friday morning without him knowing I was coming. Then my mom surprised him Saturday night with a party she planned with their friends. I was surprised by Conner, my nephew, calling me by name "Jefe"!

Tomorrow is the first day of Fall Toy Fair so I'll be running all over Manhattan looking at toys but I'll do my best to get back to regular blogs ASAP!

ITS AMAZING

For the first time in three weeks I was able to watch an entire episode of the Amazing Race! I'm so happy I didn't miss the India episode, which is always a crowd pleaser. India is one of the main reasons I would never even consider trying to join the race. You can almost smell the stench just by watching this episode. Speaking of this episode, are the Models/Recovering Drug addicts really talking about their recovery every week or do the editors keep repeating sound bites? I was thrilled to see this was a non-elimination leg because I really like the hillbillies. One team I don't care much for is Peter and Sarah. Which member of this team is crazier? Peter, an obvious lunatic (who says "golly" when faced with the obstacles the Amazing Race throws at you?), or Sarah - no offense to one legged people but . . . a race around the world? Come on. Start off with something easier, like the NY Marathon.

MCDONALDS' LEAN COMMERCIALS

Doesn't it seem odd and even a little rude, that McDonald's, a corporation whose bread and butter business (pun intended) is selling super fatty foods to super fatty people, doesn't represent their target demographic in their commercials? Pay attention to the next McDonald's commercial you see and count how many obese people they show eating their food.

WHO IS SIENNA MILLER?

I've never claimed to be up on celebrity gossip. In fact, aside from the occasional "They're Just Like Us" spread, I can't stand the gossip magazines. I do check in occasionally with some gossip blogs and always keep an eye out for a good Madonna story or picture of Jared Leto. Even I know that Paris and Nichole have "ended their feud". But I have to ask the following question, who the hell is Sienna Miller? All I know is that she is (or was) Jude Law's wife or girlfriend or something but what has she ever done other than sleep with Jude Law and who cares?

WHAM BAM! THANK YOU AN. . drew

I know one saucy brit who is probably doing a jig of joy right now. George Michael has convinced Andrew Ridgeley to reunite for a Christmas concert at London's Wembley Arena. They will be joined by their backing singers Pepsi and Shirlie to make it the pop event of the year. I just hope George gets a ride to the arena so there's no chance of him falling asleep on his way.

THEY SCREWED ME AGAIN!

Once again, I missed the end of this week's Great Race (thanks Heather for telling me about RealityTVWorld.com). I even planned ahead when I learned that there would be another football game played on Sunday (do you they play ball every week?), which might push back the start of the Race. I recorded the show following the Race and double checked at 8 to make sure everything was set. For some reason, my DVR decided not to work from 9 to 10 and the show following the Race didn't record. Fortunately, the Race only began about 3 minutes late so I figured I'd at least get to see most of it. Unfortunately, my cable was having issues and 15 minutes into the Race, the picture and sound began freaking out and getting all pixelated. It was like watching TV in Monet-Vision. Thanks a lot Time Warner Cable - You Suck!

HOLLYWOOD PASTRY ATTACK

The following story was e-mailed to me yesterday about an incident that took place at a Starbucks in Hollywood last month. I have two questions after reading this story:
1. starbucksgossip.com? 2. Josh, where were you on the morning of September 26?

From starbucksgossip.com
September 26, 2006

LOCAL STARBUCKS PATRONS BUZZING ABOUT BRUTAL PASTRY
CASE ATTACK

An incident at a Hollywood Starbucks early yesterday
morning involving a naked man experiencing a violent
hankering for some crumble cake is all the talk lately
among employees and regulars:

At 5am this morning, a drunken naked guy used a sock
full of rocks to shatter the glass on the front door,
and stormed inside to eat "all the pastries". Police
responded and found the guy running around the
store, resisting arrest. He had feathers in his hair
and an American flag... although it wasn't explained
if this was a large or small flag, or where it was
placed (or, perhaps, raised). The cops had to use
rubber bullets and a beanbag shotgun to subdue him.

The origins of the feral "Scone Boy," as local lore
has already dubbed him, remain a mystery. Perhaps we
shall never know what led to the sad, desperate
scenario in which he found himself cornered and
snapping viciously at the encroaching fingers of law
officials as he greedily fed on day-old pumpkin spice
muffins, only to be knocked unconscious with a
high-velocity beanbag to the side of his
feather-adorned head. To end on a more upbeat note,
however, the colorful event should provide plenty of
creative inspiration to the franchise's core clientele
of aspiring screenwriters and derelict producers, and
it won't be long before multiple, scripted versions of
the events start circulating around the gourmet coffee
circuit, each offering their individualized, explosive
take on the shocking true crime tale.

CRAZY PEOPLE LOVE CRAP

This past Saturday's Stoop Sale was a blast! Josh (my friend visiting from LA) and I arrived at Chris & Gary's apartment a few minutes before noon and the stoop was already buzzing with people milling about, digging through boxes of T-Shirts and Jeans, and doing their best to haggle down prices that were already in the single digits. Chris and Gary, along with their friends, Janelle and Pete, were already doing a brisk business so I quickly set up my shop, which consisted of a large shelf that I ripped out of my bedroom closet and brought along to prop on the waist-high fence surrounding a tree in the sidewalk. I made my first sale before finishing the task of tastefully arranging my wears on this table.

When the noon rush finally died down we took a much needed Irish coffee break and geared up for the next wave of bargain-obsessed treasure hunters. Chris warned me that the local loons surface for any stoop sale but no amount of pre-game talk could have prepared me for the woman that spent over an hour at our sale. Like any savvy shopper, this woman (who I'll refer to as Nut Job) wanted to know the name of the sales-person assisting her. At first, telling NJ her name seemed like an ok idea to Chris but as the day wore on, NJ's constant shouts of "Christine (or Irene)! What's this?!" proved her wrong. This was obviously not NJ's first stoop sale and as she continuously balanced a Jacob's ladder of cigarettes (light, smoke, repeat) while examining the merchandise, she asked the kinds of questions that only a seasoned-shopper would think. Tire-kicking questions such as holding up a plate and shouting "Irene! What's this?" only to follow the obvious answer of "A plate" with the even more hard-biting, "Is it supposed to be round?"

At some point during Nut Job's visit we switched to Irish Diet Cokes and as the day and whisky drew to an end, I tucked my shelf under my arm and headed home with a lot less crap and over $60 in my pocket. A proper stoop sale.

ANCIENT PARK SLOPE SECRET

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Its a first, my first time participaing in a Park Slope Stoop Sale. We've been up for hours pricing crap and now I just can't wait to get rid of it all. Check back later for pics and an update.

GENIUS AT WORK

Welcome to my first semi-regular section, 'Genius At Work'!

Occasionally I have ideas that I think can make the world a better place to live in. Lacking the manufacturing capabilities to bring my ideas to fruition, they usually go to waste in my mind. So I've decided to post my ideas here in the hopes that some mega corporation will stumble across them and throw bucket loads of cash at me to turn these ideas into reality. Of course, the mega corporations will probably just steal my ideas and screw me but at least I'll have the proof to back up my "hey that was my idea" rantings.

My first idea is one I've shared with friends to mixed reactions. Its CheeseUp, cheese flavored ketchup. If your first reaction to that concept was "gross" or "that's disgusting", then you've probably never had cheese fries or a Philly cheese steak. You see, the problem is, melted cheese and ketchup just don't mix. Try dipping a cheese-covered French fry into ketchup - the ketchup just doesn't stick. Now imagine dipping that fry into one sauce that combines the taste and flavor of both ketchup and cheese. The result is pure deliciousness!

Come on #2 ketchup maker Hunts. You’ve been searching for a way to beat Heinz for years and this could be it.

Thanks for reading my first Genius At Work posting. Check back here often because you never know when another idea will seep from my brain and onto the web.

LETS GET PHYSICAL

Its Wednesday night and I'm watching last week's Big Fat Loser. If any of you saw and remember it, have you ever seen a group of people more disappointed by a blond chick yelling, "We're goin to the beach!" There is definitely no mistaking this show for the Real World.

WTF

What happened on Sunday that caused The Amazing Race to start 30 minutes late forcing me to miss the end of the show! I had just settled down with a glass of wine to enjoy one of my favorite Fall programs only to discover that some geriatric crap called 60 Minutes, ran 30 minutes late. If corporate America can build a GPS system that allows people to pinpoint their exact location on the planet, surely my DVR can figure out where the show I asked it to record begins. So now I'm stuck sitting here watching Leave It To Beaver and bitching about the fact that I have no idea which team is out of the race. So, the Beaver was just a retarded kid slipping through the school system, right? In this episode titled, 'Beaver's English Test', beaver is clearly in the throws of puberty and the English test he is studying for involves picking the adjective from the sentence "The early bird catches the worm." Not only does the Beaver not know which word is the adjective, but he can't even remember the sentence immediately after Wally (who is helping him study) reads it to him. Then Gilbert comes over and forces Wally to help him study also or his dad will hit him. Later when Beaver and Gilbert are in class and a test is handed out, Gilbert says something about changing his underwear. This show is so disturbing I've almost forgotten about the Race fiasco. Speaking of The Race, I think its off to a great start. Its nice to see a season with a good variety of teams rather than the usual countless straight, white, dating couples who aren't sure if they want to take the next step in their relationship but think that competing in a highly stressful and televised race around the world for $1 million will help them figure it out.

MCKINNEY'S LAMPOON WEDDING VACATION

Sorry for not posting over the past few days but I just got back from my brother’s wedding in Palm Springs, CA, and like any occasion where my family gets together, I have plenty of tales to tell.

I’ll start at the beginning, Day 1
I left the quiet peace of Brooklyn at the but-crack of dawn and caught a taxi to the airport. It was a beautiful morning so I had the car windows open and was enjoying the wind on my face until something flew in the window and hit me in the eye. Windows up!

My flight left LaGuardia without incident and I touched down in Dallas, TX a few hours later, where I met up with the rest of my family on route from FL. We had a 3-hour layover, which gave us plenty of time for cocktails and both my sister and I were well lubricated by the time we boarded. With the exception of the 2 dwarves (Coughy and Shouty) behind us, the flight to Palm Springs was delightful and a few drinks later we landed.

We breathed a collective sigh of relief when all of our bags showed up on the carousel and we then piled into the rental family-mini-van to head out to meet up with Scott (the groom). Palm Springs is a small town bordered on one side by the desert and on the other by mountains. There are probably 5 main roads cutting across the town but that didn’t stop us from quickly getting lost. Eventually, Scott (in his car) found us on the road and led us back to the house my family had rented for the weekend.

The house (a ranch style in a creepy, dark, neighborhood), looked like something that had time-warped from the 50’s, unfortunately not everything made it along with the house. Some of the more noteworthy standard home items that this place was missing included bed sheets, towels, television, furniture, hangers, closet rods, hot water, a floor and worst of all – no booze! Having more than 30 years of experience traveling with my parents I knew we wouldn’t be staying there long. After a brief confrontation with the rental-home’s manager, which ended with her in tears, we piled back into the min-van and quickly checked in to the Palm Springs Hyatt.

Aside from the persistent pain in my eye, which was now completely blood-shot, day 2 was relatively calm. At least, until it was just about to end. After the rehearsal dinner the family and me joined everyone else at another hotel, where the other guests (Scott and Nichole’s friends and some family) were staying.

My dad has a little habit of ending most parties by quietly slipping off to bed, which is fine - when the party is at my parent’s house. He choose not to change his routine on this particular night, and left the rest of us stranded without a car at the party. Luckily, we got rides back to our own hotel and Reen and I said goodnight to mom who went up to the room as we went down to the bar. About an hour later we got a call from my mom who had been desperately trying to get into her room. It turned out that after several attempts by security, it was determined that my father (soundly sleeping in the room) had dead bolted the door and there was no way in from the outside. Maureen and I had a sweet, two rooms down from my parents so we decided the only thing to do was to scale the hotel balconies and unlock the door from the inside. Once again, being very well lubricated, I was ready for a late night climb but asked Mike to get a video camera first since I didn’t want to risk my life unless it was on film. Before I could even hoist myself over the railing, Mike was up and shimming across the railing like Spider Man.

We finally got mom into her room and Reen and I returned to the bar intent on drinking until her fiancé’s (Kevin) early morning flight arrived. Needles to say, I was too hungover to do much of anything the following day (the wedding day) and only pulled myself off the couch for the drive down to the airport to pick up Seth, who got into town that day, and the wedding itself

The Wedding went off without a hitch. The groomsmen, Mike, and me were wearing white linen suits with checkered vans and tuxedo T-shirts (yes, seriously) and the bridesmaids, my sister and Nichole’s sister, were wearing black puffy dresses.

As much as I laughed at our outfits while getting ready, I was equally thankful to be wearing linen and a T-shirt as we stood in the 100-degree heat during the outdoor ceremony.

The reception was held at a private home rented by Scott and Nichole (complete with furniture, floors and booze) and everyone had a blast dancing around the pool.
The highlight of the evening came about an hour before the party began to wind down. Two of Scott’s friends stripped to their boxers and jumped into the pool along with my dad who was still wearing his suit. Reen quickly followed in her poofy gown and I went next wearing my suit. After that Scott jumped in followed by Seth and finally Nichole, still wearing her gown, jumped in as well. After that my mom was thrown in and from there it became a good old-fashioned pool party with everyone taking a fully clothed dip.

All in all, a typical family get together!