More Pageant Fun

If you haven't already watched yesterday's video of Miss South Carolina, then scroll down. After come back up and watch this.

Proud To Be A U.S. American

The following video was on Gawker so many of you have probably already seen it. It's so great that I decided to post it anyway. If you haven't seen it yet, It's a short clip of Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton of South Carolina, answering a question about American's inability to locate their own country on a map.

Enjoy and be very frightened.

Super Happy Terrific Products

Judging by the picture this Mac-Tap is just a trade show gimmick but it's still nice to dream. I guess if you are handy and have an old Mac, you could make one of these yourself but that sounds like an awful lot of trouble for something you are going to quickly have to dispose of.

Don't Believe The Tripe

Howdy all! I've got another crazy day at work ahead of me so I'm afraid your going to have to talk amongst yourselves for a while. Before I disappear from the emails I wanted to leave you with this nugget.

I was watching live TV last night (I know crazy right? It was an accident and I promise to never watch live TV again) when I saw an AT&T commercial bragging about their awesome coverage. In one scene they show a gaggle of shinny happy people chatting it up on the beach as if there were cell towers hidden in the coconuts. I don't know what beach that was supposed to be but I can tell you for a fact as an AT&T customer it isn't Ocracoke, NC, where I spend my summer vacation. For the past three summers in a row, I have had zero coverage and no bars at all anywhere in Ocracoke from the center of town to the edge of the water.

Toot Toot Tuesday

I think yesterday's first official Mean Spirited Monday was a great success! Thanks to everyone for your mean comments. If you have a person in mind that you would like to see skewerd on a future edition, email their name to me at popomatic.jeff@gmail.com.

In nicer news, Seth is back with his latest podcast and its Madonnarific. Check it out now at Seth In Brooklyn. Finally, if you are looking for everything you ever wanted to know about roasting a chicken but were afraid to ask, then head over to Kitty's blog at My Husband Hates Vegies.

The Polls Are Closed

And the votes have been tallied! With 30% of all votes, you have selected Mean Spirited Monday suggested by Big Daddy of bon jour Pee Wee as my new Weekly section. Thank you Big Daddy for the great idea. The pop-o-matic prize wagon should find you at some point when you least expect it with your fabulous prizes.

Here is the gist of Mean Spirited Monday. Every Monday morning I'll post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

I figured for our first edition of Mean Spirited Monday, we would start off with an easy one - Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick!

Let the meanness begin!

The Polls Are Open

Earlier this week I asked for your suggestions for a new weekly post to appear here every Monday. I've created a poll with all of your suggestions, located in the right column just under my picture. You can check the comments section for Monday and Tuesday for further explanations of these poll options and vote as often as you like.

The winner will be revealed next week!

You Can't Take It With You

To be fair, I don't know a lot about Leona Helmsley. It is possible that she got an undeserved bad rap but I doubt that she achieved the universally recognized moniker, "The Queen of Mean" because of her charitable contributions and sunny demeanor. Whatever she was when alive, her decaying corpse will be spending eternity like a Roman empress in lavish afterlife opulence.

Helmsley will be entombed in a $1.4 million mausoleum in Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. The 1,300-square foot granite mausoleum features a dozen Doric columns and stained glass windows that recreate the Manhattan skyline.

1,300-square feet!? You could fit my entire apartment, which by NYC standards is a good size, in that crypt and still have room for a cemetery's worth of corpses. What a waste of money, resources and land.

One More Day To Enter

Yesterday I asked for your help in choosing a new weekly section here on pop-o-matic to run every Monday morning. You can read the original post here but in a nutshell, I'm looking for something simple that I don't have to think too much about when writing and you don't have to think to much or look at too many words when reading. It's really a win win for both of us.

I received a lot of great suggestions yesterday and decided to extend this little contest another day to give more people the opportunity to join in. Later in the week I'll list all the suggestions and we can all vote on them.

So just leave your idea in the comments section and remember to keep it easy.

A Little Birdie

Could this be the new Madonna album cover?

Manic Monday

This may come as a shock to you but my weekends aren't always filled with exciting adventures, fabulous star-studded parties, jet-setting holidays, or bathtubs filled with booze. Usually Sometimes it's just me and Seth shutting ourselves away in our apartment and tricking or manipulating each other into leaving the apartment for provisions i.e. beer, soda and Amy's Organic pizzas.

As much as I enjoy a hermit's weekend, these occasions don't typically lend themselves to interesting Monday morning blogs. So I've decided I need a new recurring Monday feature and I'm hoping you can help me brainstorm what it should be. Here's the deal, number 1, it has to be easy - I don't want to rack my brain trying to come up with something each week. Number 2, actually, there is no number 2. It just has to be easy.

So put on your thinking caps, and let me know what you want to see here every Monday. The winning idea will be immortalized here starting next week and there will even be a prize for whoever comes up with the idea. And as an added incentive, if you don't help me think of something good, I'll be forced to go with my only idea of posting pictures of my cats.

Good Luck!

A pop-o-matic Review

For most people, myself included, shopping at Ikea is like a nostalgic trip to an early adulthood playground. I remember Ikea furnishing my first off-campus college apartment and even my first post-college pad was predominantly Ikearific! As I grew up, my own personal tastes emerged and I started to gravitate away from Ikea's Danish modern decor. This fortunately coincided with the time in my life when I could afford to spend more than $20 on a coffee table.

I still look forward to the annual Ikea catalogue, which arrived at my home yesterday and I quickly tore through it like a trashy Jackie Collins novel. Similar to one of those novels, the 2008 catalogue is filled with interesting characters who go by names I've never encountered in my daily life (no Turkey, no one is named Dallas). I met Ektorp Jennylund who I can already envision in my living room, Leksvig the rustic-inspired coffee table, and of course our hero, Billy the bookcase.

Don't be fooled by the explosion of color on the catalogue's cover, Ikea hasn't gone south of the border. For some reason every year's cover is extremely busy and hurts the eyes. Once inside the book, whose prices are guaranteed through June of 2008, you will find more traditional looking furniture than previous years and flipping through the pages, you will notice more big ticket items and stylishly un-Ikea pieces. Don't worry, the shinny functional furniture at ridiculously low prices that have made Ikea a global success can still be found in abundance but there definitely appears to be a broader design direction emerging.

The catalogue's prime directive is to entice you into visiting the store where those crafty Swedes know you will spend hours wandering through the marketplace maze stocking up on bags of tea-lights and inexpensive frames. For this reason, Ikea still refuses to fully embrace online shopping but you can purchase some items through the website.

Today I look at Ikea in the same way I view the Gap - I don't want everything I own to come from these stores but both are good for a few simple staples such as T-shirts or book shelves. If you are looking to spruce things up around your home and, like most of us, money IS an object, consider buying a couple of nondescript items from Ikea to complement your decor. Unless you really want to live in an Ikea catalogue, don't reconstruct one of the store's life-sized dioramas or catalogue pages in your home.

You can order a catalogue of your own here and don't forget to let me know the next time you make a trip to Ikea.

Happy Birthday . . .

To Madonna!

PS. Happy half birthday Turkey!

A Little Star Wars Fun

Thank you Big Daddy from Bon Jour, Pee Wee, for sending me this clip.

Out To Lunch

I'll be taking the rest of the day off (from blogging) so that I can follow the play by play action of Midwesterner in NYC's VH1 Classic live blogging experience. Check it out for yourself. Its great fun!

Brain Freeze

It isn't very often that I can't think of anything to post about but I have to admit, this morning I got nothin! Which is why I was so glad to find the following image in my inbox.

It's a picture of Seth from his trip to Krustylu Studios in Springfield. I don't know how but it looks like Seth lined up Burger King as the official sponsor of his trip.

While I'm using other people's work to fill my blogger's block, Kelly has launched a blog of her own. Check it out at NocturnalAdmission.blogspot.com

And Another One

As I type this, our good friend Gilligan is gathering her gear and heading to the airport. She is moving from NYC to Hawaii today and it looks like she picked a hell of a day for this move. Last night a 5.3 magnitude earthquake jolted the Big Island of Hawaii and if that wasn't bad enough, Hurricane Flossie also decided that today was the day to head to the former Sandwich Islands.

Good luck Gilligan! We'll miss you!

Gilligan has launched a blog to keep us all abreast of her North Shore lifestyle. I'll give you the address and link as soon as she starts posting.

The NYTimes Needs A Dictionary

Dictionary.com defines the word "Funny" as the following:

fun·ny[fuhn-ee]
1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person.

Completely missing from that definition is any mention of slaughter houses or actual footage of cows being killed, mutilated and processed for cheap burger meat. That definition also leaves out the plight of Mexicans walking through the dessert in an attempt to find a better life in America only to be forced into horrible jobs with nothing to look forward to but crank addiction once they get here.

Apparently someone at the New York Times finds the above scenarios from the movie Fast Food Nation to be "Funny".

Fast Food Nation presents an entirely humorless look at the fast food industry through the eyes of several different socio-economic groups ranging from industry executives to illegal immigrants forced to work in meat processing plants. Its a wonderful, eye-opening film written and directed by Richard Linklater. I went into the movie feeling smug self righteousness because I don't eat fast food. I left the movie feeling icky and considering becoming a vegetarian - sounds funny right?

This seems like one of those important films that you should see and I'm glad I watched it. I just want to spare anyone out there who is in the mood for a National Lampoon style funny movie with lots of fart and boob jokes from making the same mistake I did. I thought a movie with the word "Funny" printed on the cover of the DVD case would have a few jokes and gags or at least a little less slaughter and oppressive life stories.

What's The Deal With This Crazy Weather

Many people here in the North East have been talking about the odd weather we have been experiencing lately. I'm sure this is a hot topic in other regions of the country as well but I don't live in those places so I can't speak for them. Here in New York, we had a disappointingly warm winter with very little snow fall, while the summer has been insanely tropical and hot. We have been subjected to flash floods (just ask Adam and Kelly about their basement) and even had a tornado in Brooklyn this week.

All the talk about the weather usually leads to heated conversation over the cause of these shifting and new conditions. Many people argue its the greenhouse effect, others claim its a completely natural cycle like El Nino, and others feel the current administration is to blame for forcing scientific evidence to be hidden and curtailed so that the administration's rich tycoons can continue to pollute and destroy the environment for their own personal gain.

I've been enthusiastically conducting my own research into the weather phenomenon in an effort to answer the above arguments once and for all. Today, I'm proud to announce that the efforts of my work have led to a conclusive result. I've decided to bypass the Journal of Science and bring my findings directly to you.

You may want to sit down for this. The cause of all our planet's topsy turvey weather conditions of late is none other than Ming the Merciless and his weather controlling machine on Mongo.

Hypocritic Oaf

I've stated numerous times here on pop-o-matic that I don't pay much attention to politics, current events, news, undertow currents, or traffic signals. To be fair, its really not my fault. I can't read "The papers" because they are unwieldy and make my fingers dirty, TV news is vapid and insulting and news on the internets has too many words and not enough pictures.

So instead, I keep up to date and informed through word-of-mouth, street performers, and bathroom walls. You might be surprised at how many budding journalists use these walls to disseminate information. I like to think of these modern day Publick Occurrences as "All the news that's fit for a shit".

If you are one of the fives of regular readers here on pop-o-matic, chances are good that you're not too concerned with the world around you anymore than I am (ahem, Heather). So in an effort to broaden all of our horizons and make us better cocktail party conversationalists, I've decided to launch a new news-like section titled Hypocritic Oaf.

For the first edition of Hypocritic Oaf, I'd like to tell you about Glenn Murphy, recently elected and even more recently abdicated leader of the Young Republican National Federation. It seems Glenn was an up and coming fine young Republican being groomed by his Republican overlords for both local and national government roles. Glenn was fond of using divisive issue such as gay marriage to garner support for the Republican party. It turns out, Glenn was also fond of dick something else.

After a recent Young Republican party, Glenn and another young (22) Republican, who we'll refer to as Boy Toy, were too intoxicated to drive home and at the urging of Boy Toy's sister (whose house the party was at) decided to spend the night. In the early morning hours, Boy Toy woke up to find Glenn performing oral sex on him. Boy Toy pushed Glenn aside, gathered his shit and split leaving Glenn to explain what happened to the sister.

Since then, Police have charged Glenn with "Criminal Deviate Conduct", a class B felony and Glenn contends that the actions were between two consenting adults. I guess according to Glenn, a snore is as good as a yes. So be warned fellow snorers, you never know what you are agreeing to as you sleep.

Swept Away

If you live in NYC, you probably already know about this morning's crazy weather. If you don't consider a tornado descending on Brooklyn like a pack of overeating Japanese kids heading to Coney Island for the 4th of July hot dog eating contest crazy then you and I have nothing left to say.

If you live in the city and don't know about this morning's storm then please tell me what drugs you are on and share.

At my normal departure for work time the subway officials were urging people to stay home since most of the tunnels were flooded. I happily obliged and decided to work from home. So here I am at home playing Wii. I have to write a review of the new Mario Strikers game so yes, I'm really working.

Jenni B, since I know you don't like to read anything longer than a sentence, I'm including the following picture, which you have probably already scanned to before closing this page.

You can see here the train I take every day to work. Obviously, I won't be making it to the office today. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the branch in the photo is removed by tomorrow.

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Dear Genteel Geoff,

I was eating my pizza at the top of the subway stairs the other day around 5:00 and these people kept giving me dirty looks when they tried to get past me. What should I have responded to these rude assholes?

Thanks,
Peggy Isabel Grant


Dear PIG,

Only the homeless and pigeons should be eating on our city's sidewalks. New York City is host to many of the finest brasseries on the planet and they all provide beautiful surroundings and relaxing accommodations designed to complement the carte du jour. My assistant informs me of the existence of pizza parlors where the diners order at a counter and take their food back to a table on their own. If they exist near my Park Avenue home they are well hidden as I have never spotted one, however, I imagine they might be a bit of a lark when one chooses to "slum it". Regardless of why one would choose to dine in such a place, what should be pointed out is the presence of tables where you should have eaten your pizza. If the parlor was crowded, you should have asked your companion to announce your arrival to the Maitre d' before purchasing your super.

Why you would choose to eat your supper while standing on a sidewalk is beyond me, however, if this decision was reached out of necessity, why would you choose the top of a busy stairwell to root your rotund rump? Perhaps, due to lack of grace and manners, you simply choose to ignore the fundamentals of an entry way. Let me explain how these areas operate; people enter and exit through them as they go about their business. Sounds simple does it not, PIG? When an obstacle, such as yourself, blocks an entry way, the entire system, which for a New York City subway entrance can quickly add up to hundreds of people, is forced to reroute and faced with unnecessary delays and inconveniences.

In the future, PIG, if you must enjoy your culinary delights on a public thoroughfare, please have the common decency to stand clear of any doorways, stairwells, or entryways. You will be spared from having to deal with unwanted looks and the general public going about their business won't be subjected to the unavoidable scene of you masticating your meal.

Remember, manners are the glue that hold society together.
Genteel Geoff

Stop Or My Robot Will Shoot

I've always been a firm believer that humanity's future is sure to play out as it does in the Terminator movies. Eventually our machines will rise from their mundane tasks and enslave the human race. It probably won't happen tomorrow or next week but beyond that is anyone's guess. I'll leave it to the brain trusts and egg-heads to debate when we should expect the computer calamity.

In the meantime, with my dire ideas in mind, stories like the following, about machine gun wielding robots in the employ of the government always grab my attention.

From Wired:

Robots have been roaming the streets of Iraq, since shortly after the war began. Now, for the first time -- the first time in any warzone -- the machines are carrying guns.

After years of development, three "special weapons observation remote reconnaissance direct action system" (SWORDS) robots have deployed to Iraq, armed with M249 machine guns. The 'bots "haven't fired their weapons yet," Michael Zecca, the SWORDS program manager, tells DANGER ROOM. "But that'll be happening soon."

Fear the future my friends and hope that Governor Schwarzenegger is in fact a human and not some killing machine from the future here to recruit our ATMs and George Forman Grills to his cause.

A Little Respect

This weekend Seth, Kitty and I took in the Erasure concert at McCarren Pool in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and I can honestly say, it was one of the best shows I have seen in a long time.

The doors opened at 6 and the first of the two opening acts were supposed to start at 7 so we decided to head to the newly remodeled pool hall on 7th and Flatbush for a little pre-game warm-up. This was all of our first times at the pool hall so I can't say what it looked like before the renovations. To be honest, the decor didn't really impress me that much, it was comfortable and the bar had a bunch of over-sized booths, which I really liked. What did impress me was the food, we devoured a plate of wings and some of the best nachos I have ever eaten. Plus, the happy hour two-for-one special and surprisingly super-friendly service sealed the deal for me to return there soon.

After chowing down and throwing back, we decided to head over to the concert and grabed a cab on Flatbush. Once again, we were met with incredibly uncharacteristic friendly service. Our cabbie was so pleasant that he turned off the meter when drove he past our turn (which meant driving an extra couple of blocks - not a big deal where we were) and took us through Williamsburg to the park for free. That's basicly unheard of in this city, especially when you ask a cabbie to take you somewhere in Brooklyn.

McCarren Pool is by far my new favorite place to see a show. In case you have never been, as the name might tip you off, its a pool. An old outdoor, public, city pool to be exact. The pool itself is a giant sunken concrete pit with all the remnants of it's water-filled days, including spots of the original bottom paint job. We strolled around for a few minutes grabbed some beers and had a seat towards the deep end for what we assumed would be an hour or more wait before Erasure took the stage. A few sips later and Erasure was out and playing. We quickly hopped up and headed to the stage where we spent the rest of the evening in sweat-viewing distance of Andy Bell.

The show itself was amazing with Erasure singing everything we could have asked for and sounding incredible while doing it. It seemed like the only album they didn't sample was Abba-esque, which is just a collection of covers and technically not Erasure's own music. Since we were outside, there was great breeze blowing throughout the show and an incredible light show took place as the sun set. Since everything took place in this giant pool, we could buy a beer and even visit the port-o-potties while never missing what was happening on stage. All in all, it was a perfect evening!

Springfield Singapore

My latest Simsponsized friend photo comes from the other side of the planet. It's Miss Jennifer herself or Singapore Sally as she prefers. I see that Jenn is wearing a T-shirt emblazened with one of her favorite Wii sports. If you haven't already made your own Simpsons avatar, Click Here and make one now. Don't forget to send it to me when you are done because they make me laugh and reduce the amount of thinking I have to do for posts here on pop-o-matic.

Fishing With The Simpsons

Here's a lovely shot of high school pal, Amy, fishing with little Bart and little Homer at a Green Day concert. I imagine this is what seeing a show at McCarren Park in Brooklyn is like. I'll find out first hand tomorrow when I see Erasure there.

Super Happy Terrific Products

Looking for the perfect gift for the wino in your life? Then look no further than this handy dandy mobile wine bar.



Free that bottle of ripple from its brown paper sack when you choose to drink in the park with this super convenient wine accessory. It has everything the Boxcar Willie in your life could ever want including a wine fridge that doubles as a sleeping compartment (when empty), a bucket that could also be used as a wash basin, plenty of bottle and cup holders for when company calls under the bridge and even a cork screw for both opening bottles and guarding the hooch thanks to the convenient shiv apparatus.

this Fall, show how much you love that seedy scallywag in your life with the Mobile Wine Bar.

Move Over Darren Stevens

I'm out of my meeting (see earlier post) and aside from the ridiculously early hour (9AM?! Give me a break!), it was actually very interesting. It seems that somehow I have become a Madison Avenue Ad Man, except I work on 38th street and 6th Avenue. For the past month, I've been part of a team creating and developing an advertising campaign for a Midwestern cable company. I'm still not entirely sure how I got involved in the first place but that's none of my business. I must have been recruited because I'm the best and brightest in my field like that blond Australian chick in the Transformers movie.

The funny thing is, advertising was always my dream career, until I got to college and for god-only-knows what reason, the advertising major required a shitload of math courses. I spent more time evading math throughout my education than I ever would have if I had just buckled down and tried to learn it. So I switched over to Communications and left my dreams of one day using my powers of influence to force Joe Six-pack and Jane Winecooler to purchase things they really don't need behind and instead, lived my advertising dreams vicariously through Billy on Melrose Place. Until now!

I'm already dreaming of next week's pitch meeting where we present our concepts using colorful poster board sketches on easels. At the end, the client is unimpressed so it's up to me to quickly pull an idea out of thin air and knock every body's socks off. After that it will only be a matter of time until I'm heading up the Coke account. In the meantime, I'm willing to look at offers from any ad agencies out there so feel free to try to woo me with promises of corner offices and attractive young secretaries.

Damn Early Risers!

I've got another god-damned 9am meeting this morning that I'm heading into shortly. I'll be back later to bitch and complain.

In the meantime, here's another Simpsons avatar. This one comes from Josh in Hollywood. A little hint, he is the "nondescript fellow in the middle". Enjoy!