Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Amazing Stories

I was thinking last night that I should use this blog for telling more stories. I feel like I have traveled to a number of faraway places, seen and done some unique things and even met many interesting people. While thinking back on these adventures and outings, it occurred to me that a majority of my stories involve everyone having a lot to drink and me subsequently not recalling exactly how most of the stories end.

I decided that I needed to change something in order to ensure recalling my future exploits and journeys. At first I thought giving up drinking would be a good idea but then where would I go and who would join me? I'm not even sure what options there are in this city that don't involve drinking. I'm assuming the library doesn't have a bar but I can't really socialize with friends there because of the silence thing. The movies are alcohol free (which is why I never go without my flask) but
I can't handle going to a movie theater
more than a few times a year. I suppose there is always uh, well, er, I can't think of anything else to do that doesn't involve drinking.

So then I thought I should just become one of those people that doesn't drink but still enjoys hanging out with their friends who do drink. I think in the suburbs they call these people "designated drivers" or "recovered alcoholics". But if I were to stay sober while all my friends got tanked, I'd just be exploiting my friends drunkenness for the sake of my blog and I could never do that to my friends.

Obviously neither of the above options are going to work so I've come up with two alternatives, which I plan to test the next time I'm out with friends. Alternative #1 is to pace myself and master the art of the pleasant buzz. Alternative #2 is to hire an official biographer to accompany me whenever I leave the apartment or have friends over. Unfortunately, I'm not really in the position to pay this person so it will have to be more of an unpaid internship rather than a paying job but I think the rewards will be worth it.

As luck would have it, I have happy hour plans this evening so I'll be able to test out one of my two alternatives. Please email me or post a comment if you are interested in the internship position or just show up at the Flatbush Farm around 5:30 and look for me at the end of the bar by the door. If I don't get any emails from interested parties and no one shows up at the bar, I'll have to try to try alternative #1.

In any event, check back tomorrow because I'll be able to give you a full recounting of the evening either through buzzed first hand account or biographer's second hand retelling.


  1. Have you thought about hiring a monkey stenographer? That way you could have a transcript of the evening without making any difficult decisions about alcohol consumption.

    Of course it might just read "BLAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHGGGGGG" by about 3 am.

    But on the plus side, the monkey could also double as a butler.

  2. Adam, that's a great idea. But the monkey would have to stay sober and I'd hate to be the person to tell that to the monkey.

  3. First off, Jeff:


    "At first I thought giving up drinking would be a good idea..."

    Have you gone mad?! This is crazy talk!

    And, as of two years ago.


    I REFUSE to go to theaters.

  4. Lioux, that crazy thought lasted for less than a nano-second.

    I can count on one hand the amount of times I go to the theater each year.

  5. Kelly2:23 PM

    I'll be your stenographer (sip sip)

  6. Kelly, thanks for the offer but the stenographer has to be a silent observer recording what happens. Since you are the person I'm meeting for most of my happy hours, if you became the stenographer you would silently be watching me drink alone and that's not fun for anyone, except me.

  7. Kelly2:58 PM

    Time to bring Sir Vitamus out of retirement again.

  8. I think Sir Vitamus has a job now writing speeches for Hilary Clinton.

  9. To counter this sort of situation, I take lots of notes. Somtimes they're helpful, but sometimes they are indecipherable.

  10. Colleen, what a great idea! I wish I'd thought of that.

  11. Or you can yourself and leave a voice mail. Kinda like dictation.