Super Happy Terrific Products

I don't wear jewelry. Yes, I've gone through fazes that have included puka bead necklaces, silver rings, and even piercing my tongue (not all at once these were various fazes throughout my life). But I don't remember the last time I accessorized with anything other than a belt and pair of sunglasses unless it was part of a Halloween costume.

I just might have to end my jewelry ban after seeing this ring.


It's a stack of pancakes with a melted pat of butter on top and the whole thing is actually scented to smell just like real maple syrup covered buttermilk pancakes.
Sure its probably intended for Japanese teenage girls but who wouldn't want to smell like pancakes?

September 11

You know that I rarely talk about anything serious here on the blog, or anywhere else for that matter. So feel free to skip this post if you aren't interested in anything other than goofball Jeff, I won't be offended.

It occurred to me this morning that over the past six years too many politicians have degraded "9/11" to nothing more than a campaign slogan. In fact, the words "Never forget" have just become another T-shirt seller or bumper sticker. I know that I'll always remember watching the twin towers burn and collapse from my apartment rooftop on this day six years ago and the eerie days that followed here in the city. I just hope that everyone else keeps in mind what actually happened on September 11, 2001.

Mean Spirited Monday

Every Monday morning I'll post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

This week, every one's favorite mess, Britney Spears. Let the meanness begin!



What the hell was that last night!? Come on Britney! Its bad enough that you are lip syncing but at least try to look like you know the words to your own song.

Worth Your Time

You are going to need sound to get the whole picture here but trust me, its worth it.

Another Fashion Week?

My office is two blocks away from Bryant Park so I pass by and loiter there fairly often. Unfortunately, I won't be spending much time in the park for the next week or so because its time for Fashion Week! I know New York is a very fashionable city but it seems like there is a Fashion Week once a month.

Anyway, as I was passing by this morning the park and tents were overflowing with the fashionistas, fashion-mavens, fashionists or whatever the hell the fashionable term for those in the fashion industry is today. Out of all the people I spotted posing around the entrance to the tents, buzzing around the park and smoking on the sidewalk, 99% were dressed in all black. To me, this doesn't seem like a very difficult look to come up with. Anyone can dress in black from head to toe without putting any thought at all into the outfit. Morticia Adams favored this look as did Johnny Cash. Even fat girls have long donned the darkest shade.

I don't know about you but I wouldn't buy a car from a person who only owns a bike. So shouldn't the people who dictate what is style be forced to dress with a little more creativity?

Super Happy Terrific Products

Apple just unveiled the new iPod - the iPod Touch, and I want one!

It basically does everything the iPhone does without the phone part. Also, it accesses the interwebs via a WiFi connection rather than cellular service like the iPhone or crackberry. There is an 8gb and 16 gb model with prices starting at 299, which considering all it does, doesn't sound that bad.

Another Day, Another Recall

With another big toy recall announced this morning, its going to be a busy and hectic day for those of us associated with the toy industry. For those that don't know, I work for a toy industry analyst and do a lot of writing for various toy and video game pubs. In case you are worried about the toys you are buying, all the damage seems to be linked to one factory in China and a yellow paint that they used on certain products. You probably won't here that mentioned on TV because they just want to scare us all into believing that the Chinese are trying to kill us by poisoning our toys. I'll let you know if I hear anything more about this.

Mean Spirited Monday (Yes, I know what day it is)

Ok, ok. I know that today is Tuesday but after four days or drinking, partying, and house hunting up in the country, I'm as tired and lazy as I would be on any Monday. In case you missed last week's first edition of Mean Spirited Monday, here is how it works - Every Monday morning I'll post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

This week could go either way as the person I've selected is someone I really can't stand but he apparently has a lot of fans.

It's film and television's Robbin Williams. Let the meanness begin!

More Pageant Fun

If you haven't already watched yesterday's video of Miss South Carolina, then scroll down. After come back up and watch this.

Proud To Be A U.S. American

The following video was on Gawker so many of you have probably already seen it. It's so great that I decided to post it anyway. If you haven't seen it yet, It's a short clip of Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton of South Carolina, answering a question about American's inability to locate their own country on a map.

Enjoy and be very frightened.

Super Happy Terrific Products

Judging by the picture this Mac-Tap is just a trade show gimmick but it's still nice to dream. I guess if you are handy and have an old Mac, you could make one of these yourself but that sounds like an awful lot of trouble for something you are going to quickly have to dispose of.

Don't Believe The Tripe

Howdy all! I've got another crazy day at work ahead of me so I'm afraid your going to have to talk amongst yourselves for a while. Before I disappear from the emails I wanted to leave you with this nugget.

I was watching live TV last night (I know crazy right? It was an accident and I promise to never watch live TV again) when I saw an AT&T commercial bragging about their awesome coverage. In one scene they show a gaggle of shinny happy people chatting it up on the beach as if there were cell towers hidden in the coconuts. I don't know what beach that was supposed to be but I can tell you for a fact as an AT&T customer it isn't Ocracoke, NC, where I spend my summer vacation. For the past three summers in a row, I have had zero coverage and no bars at all anywhere in Ocracoke from the center of town to the edge of the water.

Toot Toot Tuesday

I think yesterday's first official Mean Spirited Monday was a great success! Thanks to everyone for your mean comments. If you have a person in mind that you would like to see skewerd on a future edition, email their name to me at popomatic.jeff@gmail.com.

In nicer news, Seth is back with his latest podcast and its Madonnarific. Check it out now at Seth In Brooklyn. Finally, if you are looking for everything you ever wanted to know about roasting a chicken but were afraid to ask, then head over to Kitty's blog at My Husband Hates Vegies.

The Polls Are Closed

And the votes have been tallied! With 30% of all votes, you have selected Mean Spirited Monday suggested by Big Daddy of bon jour Pee Wee as my new Weekly section. Thank you Big Daddy for the great idea. The pop-o-matic prize wagon should find you at some point when you least expect it with your fabulous prizes.

Here is the gist of Mean Spirited Monday. Every Monday morning I'll post a picture of some random celebrity, or non-celebrity for you to comment on. Remember to have fun and be mean spirited with your comments.

I figured for our first edition of Mean Spirited Monday, we would start off with an easy one - Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick!

Let the meanness begin!

The Polls Are Open

Earlier this week I asked for your suggestions for a new weekly post to appear here every Monday. I've created a poll with all of your suggestions, located in the right column just under my picture. You can check the comments section for Monday and Tuesday for further explanations of these poll options and vote as often as you like.

The winner will be revealed next week!

You Can't Take It With You

To be fair, I don't know a lot about Leona Helmsley. It is possible that she got an undeserved bad rap but I doubt that she achieved the universally recognized moniker, "The Queen of Mean" because of her charitable contributions and sunny demeanor. Whatever she was when alive, her decaying corpse will be spending eternity like a Roman empress in lavish afterlife opulence.

Helmsley will be entombed in a $1.4 million mausoleum in Sleepy Hollow Cemetery. The 1,300-square foot granite mausoleum features a dozen Doric columns and stained glass windows that recreate the Manhattan skyline.

1,300-square feet!? You could fit my entire apartment, which by NYC standards is a good size, in that crypt and still have room for a cemetery's worth of corpses. What a waste of money, resources and land.

One More Day To Enter

Yesterday I asked for your help in choosing a new weekly section here on pop-o-matic to run every Monday morning. You can read the original post here but in a nutshell, I'm looking for something simple that I don't have to think too much about when writing and you don't have to think to much or look at too many words when reading. It's really a win win for both of us.

I received a lot of great suggestions yesterday and decided to extend this little contest another day to give more people the opportunity to join in. Later in the week I'll list all the suggestions and we can all vote on them.

So just leave your idea in the comments section and remember to keep it easy.

A Little Birdie

Could this be the new Madonna album cover?

Manic Monday

This may come as a shock to you but my weekends aren't always filled with exciting adventures, fabulous star-studded parties, jet-setting holidays, or bathtubs filled with booze. Usually Sometimes it's just me and Seth shutting ourselves away in our apartment and tricking or manipulating each other into leaving the apartment for provisions i.e. beer, soda and Amy's Organic pizzas.

As much as I enjoy a hermit's weekend, these occasions don't typically lend themselves to interesting Monday morning blogs. So I've decided I need a new recurring Monday feature and I'm hoping you can help me brainstorm what it should be. Here's the deal, number 1, it has to be easy - I don't want to rack my brain trying to come up with something each week. Number 2, actually, there is no number 2. It just has to be easy.

So put on your thinking caps, and let me know what you want to see here every Monday. The winning idea will be immortalized here starting next week and there will even be a prize for whoever comes up with the idea. And as an added incentive, if you don't help me think of something good, I'll be forced to go with my only idea of posting pictures of my cats.

Good Luck!

A pop-o-matic Review

For most people, myself included, shopping at Ikea is like a nostalgic trip to an early adulthood playground. I remember Ikea furnishing my first off-campus college apartment and even my first post-college pad was predominantly Ikearific! As I grew up, my own personal tastes emerged and I started to gravitate away from Ikea's Danish modern decor. This fortunately coincided with the time in my life when I could afford to spend more than $20 on a coffee table.

I still look forward to the annual Ikea catalogue, which arrived at my home yesterday and I quickly tore through it like a trashy Jackie Collins novel. Similar to one of those novels, the 2008 catalogue is filled with interesting characters who go by names I've never encountered in my daily life (no Turkey, no one is named Dallas). I met Ektorp Jennylund who I can already envision in my living room, Leksvig the rustic-inspired coffee table, and of course our hero, Billy the bookcase.

Don't be fooled by the explosion of color on the catalogue's cover, Ikea hasn't gone south of the border. For some reason every year's cover is extremely busy and hurts the eyes. Once inside the book, whose prices are guaranteed through June of 2008, you will find more traditional looking furniture than previous years and flipping through the pages, you will notice more big ticket items and stylishly un-Ikea pieces. Don't worry, the shinny functional furniture at ridiculously low prices that have made Ikea a global success can still be found in abundance but there definitely appears to be a broader design direction emerging.

The catalogue's prime directive is to entice you into visiting the store where those crafty Swedes know you will spend hours wandering through the marketplace maze stocking up on bags of tea-lights and inexpensive frames. For this reason, Ikea still refuses to fully embrace online shopping but you can purchase some items through the website.

Today I look at Ikea in the same way I view the Gap - I don't want everything I own to come from these stores but both are good for a few simple staples such as T-shirts or book shelves. If you are looking to spruce things up around your home and, like most of us, money IS an object, consider buying a couple of nondescript items from Ikea to complement your decor. Unless you really want to live in an Ikea catalogue, don't reconstruct one of the store's life-sized dioramas or catalogue pages in your home.

You can order a catalogue of your own here and don't forget to let me know the next time you make a trip to Ikea.

Happy Birthday . . .

To Madonna!

PS. Happy half birthday Turkey!

A Little Star Wars Fun

Thank you Big Daddy from Bon Jour, Pee Wee, for sending me this clip.

Out To Lunch

I'll be taking the rest of the day off (from blogging) so that I can follow the play by play action of Midwesterner in NYC's VH1 Classic live blogging experience. Check it out for yourself. Its great fun!

Brain Freeze

It isn't very often that I can't think of anything to post about but I have to admit, this morning I got nothin! Which is why I was so glad to find the following image in my inbox.

It's a picture of Seth from his trip to Krustylu Studios in Springfield. I don't know how but it looks like Seth lined up Burger King as the official sponsor of his trip.

While I'm using other people's work to fill my blogger's block, Kelly has launched a blog of her own. Check it out at NocturnalAdmission.blogspot.com

And Another One

As I type this, our good friend Gilligan is gathering her gear and heading to the airport. She is moving from NYC to Hawaii today and it looks like she picked a hell of a day for this move. Last night a 5.3 magnitude earthquake jolted the Big Island of Hawaii and if that wasn't bad enough, Hurricane Flossie also decided that today was the day to head to the former Sandwich Islands.

Good luck Gilligan! We'll miss you!

Gilligan has launched a blog to keep us all abreast of her North Shore lifestyle. I'll give you the address and link as soon as she starts posting.

The NYTimes Needs A Dictionary

Dictionary.com defines the word "Funny" as the following:

fun·ny[fuhn-ee]
1. providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical: a funny remark; a funny person.

Completely missing from that definition is any mention of slaughter houses or actual footage of cows being killed, mutilated and processed for cheap burger meat. That definition also leaves out the plight of Mexicans walking through the dessert in an attempt to find a better life in America only to be forced into horrible jobs with nothing to look forward to but crank addiction once they get here.

Apparently someone at the New York Times finds the above scenarios from the movie Fast Food Nation to be "Funny".

Fast Food Nation presents an entirely humorless look at the fast food industry through the eyes of several different socio-economic groups ranging from industry executives to illegal immigrants forced to work in meat processing plants. Its a wonderful, eye-opening film written and directed by Richard Linklater. I went into the movie feeling smug self righteousness because I don't eat fast food. I left the movie feeling icky and considering becoming a vegetarian - sounds funny right?

This seems like one of those important films that you should see and I'm glad I watched it. I just want to spare anyone out there who is in the mood for a National Lampoon style funny movie with lots of fart and boob jokes from making the same mistake I did. I thought a movie with the word "Funny" printed on the cover of the DVD case would have a few jokes and gags or at least a little less slaughter and oppressive life stories.

What's The Deal With This Crazy Weather

Many people here in the North East have been talking about the odd weather we have been experiencing lately. I'm sure this is a hot topic in other regions of the country as well but I don't live in those places so I can't speak for them. Here in New York, we had a disappointingly warm winter with very little snow fall, while the summer has been insanely tropical and hot. We have been subjected to flash floods (just ask Adam and Kelly about their basement) and even had a tornado in Brooklyn this week.

All the talk about the weather usually leads to heated conversation over the cause of these shifting and new conditions. Many people argue its the greenhouse effect, others claim its a completely natural cycle like El Nino, and others feel the current administration is to blame for forcing scientific evidence to be hidden and curtailed so that the administration's rich tycoons can continue to pollute and destroy the environment for their own personal gain.

I've been enthusiastically conducting my own research into the weather phenomenon in an effort to answer the above arguments once and for all. Today, I'm proud to announce that the efforts of my work have led to a conclusive result. I've decided to bypass the Journal of Science and bring my findings directly to you.

You may want to sit down for this. The cause of all our planet's topsy turvey weather conditions of late is none other than Ming the Merciless and his weather controlling machine on Mongo.

Hypocritic Oaf

I've stated numerous times here on pop-o-matic that I don't pay much attention to politics, current events, news, undertow currents, or traffic signals. To be fair, its really not my fault. I can't read "The papers" because they are unwieldy and make my fingers dirty, TV news is vapid and insulting and news on the internets has too many words and not enough pictures.

So instead, I keep up to date and informed through word-of-mouth, street performers, and bathroom walls. You might be surprised at how many budding journalists use these walls to disseminate information. I like to think of these modern day Publick Occurrences as "All the news that's fit for a shit".

If you are one of the fives of regular readers here on pop-o-matic, chances are good that you're not too concerned with the world around you anymore than I am (ahem, Heather). So in an effort to broaden all of our horizons and make us better cocktail party conversationalists, I've decided to launch a new news-like section titled Hypocritic Oaf.

For the first edition of Hypocritic Oaf, I'd like to tell you about Glenn Murphy, recently elected and even more recently abdicated leader of the Young Republican National Federation. It seems Glenn was an up and coming fine young Republican being groomed by his Republican overlords for both local and national government roles. Glenn was fond of using divisive issue such as gay marriage to garner support for the Republican party. It turns out, Glenn was also fond of dick something else.

After a recent Young Republican party, Glenn and another young (22) Republican, who we'll refer to as Boy Toy, were too intoxicated to drive home and at the urging of Boy Toy's sister (whose house the party was at) decided to spend the night. In the early morning hours, Boy Toy woke up to find Glenn performing oral sex on him. Boy Toy pushed Glenn aside, gathered his shit and split leaving Glenn to explain what happened to the sister.

Since then, Police have charged Glenn with "Criminal Deviate Conduct", a class B felony and Glenn contends that the actions were between two consenting adults. I guess according to Glenn, a snore is as good as a yes. So be warned fellow snorers, you never know what you are agreeing to as you sleep.

Swept Away

If you live in NYC, you probably already know about this morning's crazy weather. If you don't consider a tornado descending on Brooklyn like a pack of overeating Japanese kids heading to Coney Island for the 4th of July hot dog eating contest crazy then you and I have nothing left to say.

If you live in the city and don't know about this morning's storm then please tell me what drugs you are on and share.

At my normal departure for work time the subway officials were urging people to stay home since most of the tunnels were flooded. I happily obliged and decided to work from home. So here I am at home playing Wii. I have to write a review of the new Mario Strikers game so yes, I'm really working.

Jenni B, since I know you don't like to read anything longer than a sentence, I'm including the following picture, which you have probably already scanned to before closing this page.

You can see here the train I take every day to work. Obviously, I won't be making it to the office today. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the branch in the photo is removed by tomorrow.

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Dear Genteel Geoff,

I was eating my pizza at the top of the subway stairs the other day around 5:00 and these people kept giving me dirty looks when they tried to get past me. What should I have responded to these rude assholes?

Thanks,
Peggy Isabel Grant


Dear PIG,

Only the homeless and pigeons should be eating on our city's sidewalks. New York City is host to many of the finest brasseries on the planet and they all provide beautiful surroundings and relaxing accommodations designed to complement the carte du jour. My assistant informs me of the existence of pizza parlors where the diners order at a counter and take their food back to a table on their own. If they exist near my Park Avenue home they are well hidden as I have never spotted one, however, I imagine they might be a bit of a lark when one chooses to "slum it". Regardless of why one would choose to dine in such a place, what should be pointed out is the presence of tables where you should have eaten your pizza. If the parlor was crowded, you should have asked your companion to announce your arrival to the Maitre d' before purchasing your super.

Why you would choose to eat your supper while standing on a sidewalk is beyond me, however, if this decision was reached out of necessity, why would you choose the top of a busy stairwell to root your rotund rump? Perhaps, due to lack of grace and manners, you simply choose to ignore the fundamentals of an entry way. Let me explain how these areas operate; people enter and exit through them as they go about their business. Sounds simple does it not, PIG? When an obstacle, such as yourself, blocks an entry way, the entire system, which for a New York City subway entrance can quickly add up to hundreds of people, is forced to reroute and faced with unnecessary delays and inconveniences.

In the future, PIG, if you must enjoy your culinary delights on a public thoroughfare, please have the common decency to stand clear of any doorways, stairwells, or entryways. You will be spared from having to deal with unwanted looks and the general public going about their business won't be subjected to the unavoidable scene of you masticating your meal.

Remember, manners are the glue that hold society together.
Genteel Geoff

Stop Or My Robot Will Shoot

I've always been a firm believer that humanity's future is sure to play out as it does in the Terminator movies. Eventually our machines will rise from their mundane tasks and enslave the human race. It probably won't happen tomorrow or next week but beyond that is anyone's guess. I'll leave it to the brain trusts and egg-heads to debate when we should expect the computer calamity.

In the meantime, with my dire ideas in mind, stories like the following, about machine gun wielding robots in the employ of the government always grab my attention.

From Wired:

Robots have been roaming the streets of Iraq, since shortly after the war began. Now, for the first time -- the first time in any warzone -- the machines are carrying guns.

After years of development, three "special weapons observation remote reconnaissance direct action system" (SWORDS) robots have deployed to Iraq, armed with M249 machine guns. The 'bots "haven't fired their weapons yet," Michael Zecca, the SWORDS program manager, tells DANGER ROOM. "But that'll be happening soon."

Fear the future my friends and hope that Governor Schwarzenegger is in fact a human and not some killing machine from the future here to recruit our ATMs and George Forman Grills to his cause.

A Little Respect

This weekend Seth, Kitty and I took in the Erasure concert at McCarren Pool in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and I can honestly say, it was one of the best shows I have seen in a long time.

The doors opened at 6 and the first of the two opening acts were supposed to start at 7 so we decided to head to the newly remodeled pool hall on 7th and Flatbush for a little pre-game warm-up. This was all of our first times at the pool hall so I can't say what it looked like before the renovations. To be honest, the decor didn't really impress me that much, it was comfortable and the bar had a bunch of over-sized booths, which I really liked. What did impress me was the food, we devoured a plate of wings and some of the best nachos I have ever eaten. Plus, the happy hour two-for-one special and surprisingly super-friendly service sealed the deal for me to return there soon.

After chowing down and throwing back, we decided to head over to the concert and grabed a cab on Flatbush. Once again, we were met with incredibly uncharacteristic friendly service. Our cabbie was so pleasant that he turned off the meter when drove he past our turn (which meant driving an extra couple of blocks - not a big deal where we were) and took us through Williamsburg to the park for free. That's basicly unheard of in this city, especially when you ask a cabbie to take you somewhere in Brooklyn.

McCarren Pool is by far my new favorite place to see a show. In case you have never been, as the name might tip you off, its a pool. An old outdoor, public, city pool to be exact. The pool itself is a giant sunken concrete pit with all the remnants of it's water-filled days, including spots of the original bottom paint job. We strolled around for a few minutes grabbed some beers and had a seat towards the deep end for what we assumed would be an hour or more wait before Erasure took the stage. A few sips later and Erasure was out and playing. We quickly hopped up and headed to the stage where we spent the rest of the evening in sweat-viewing distance of Andy Bell.

The show itself was amazing with Erasure singing everything we could have asked for and sounding incredible while doing it. It seemed like the only album they didn't sample was Abba-esque, which is just a collection of covers and technically not Erasure's own music. Since we were outside, there was great breeze blowing throughout the show and an incredible light show took place as the sun set. Since everything took place in this giant pool, we could buy a beer and even visit the port-o-potties while never missing what was happening on stage. All in all, it was a perfect evening!

Springfield Singapore

My latest Simsponsized friend photo comes from the other side of the planet. It's Miss Jennifer herself or Singapore Sally as she prefers. I see that Jenn is wearing a T-shirt emblazened with one of her favorite Wii sports. If you haven't already made your own Simpsons avatar, Click Here and make one now. Don't forget to send it to me when you are done because they make me laugh and reduce the amount of thinking I have to do for posts here on pop-o-matic.

Fishing With The Simpsons

Here's a lovely shot of high school pal, Amy, fishing with little Bart and little Homer at a Green Day concert. I imagine this is what seeing a show at McCarren Park in Brooklyn is like. I'll find out first hand tomorrow when I see Erasure there.

Super Happy Terrific Products

Looking for the perfect gift for the wino in your life? Then look no further than this handy dandy mobile wine bar.



Free that bottle of ripple from its brown paper sack when you choose to drink in the park with this super convenient wine accessory. It has everything the Boxcar Willie in your life could ever want including a wine fridge that doubles as a sleeping compartment (when empty), a bucket that could also be used as a wash basin, plenty of bottle and cup holders for when company calls under the bridge and even a cork screw for both opening bottles and guarding the hooch thanks to the convenient shiv apparatus.

this Fall, show how much you love that seedy scallywag in your life with the Mobile Wine Bar.

Move Over Darren Stevens

I'm out of my meeting (see earlier post) and aside from the ridiculously early hour (9AM?! Give me a break!), it was actually very interesting. It seems that somehow I have become a Madison Avenue Ad Man, except I work on 38th street and 6th Avenue. For the past month, I've been part of a team creating and developing an advertising campaign for a Midwestern cable company. I'm still not entirely sure how I got involved in the first place but that's none of my business. I must have been recruited because I'm the best and brightest in my field like that blond Australian chick in the Transformers movie.

The funny thing is, advertising was always my dream career, until I got to college and for god-only-knows what reason, the advertising major required a shitload of math courses. I spent more time evading math throughout my education than I ever would have if I had just buckled down and tried to learn it. So I switched over to Communications and left my dreams of one day using my powers of influence to force Joe Six-pack and Jane Winecooler to purchase things they really don't need behind and instead, lived my advertising dreams vicariously through Billy on Melrose Place. Until now!

I'm already dreaming of next week's pitch meeting where we present our concepts using colorful poster board sketches on easels. At the end, the client is unimpressed so it's up to me to quickly pull an idea out of thin air and knock every body's socks off. After that it will only be a matter of time until I'm heading up the Coke account. In the meantime, I'm willing to look at offers from any ad agencies out there so feel free to try to woo me with promises of corner offices and attractive young secretaries.

Damn Early Risers!

I've got another god-damned 9am meeting this morning that I'm heading into shortly. I'll be back later to bitch and complain.

In the meantime, here's another Simpsons avatar. This one comes from Josh in Hollywood. A little hint, he is the "nondescript fellow in the middle". Enjoy!

Greetings From Springfield

It looks like Turkey isn't the only person heading directly to Moe's. CC from D.C. (actually she lives in Fredericksburg, which is outside of D.C. but doesn't rhyme with CC) emailed me her Simpsons-self last night.

CC also included a note with a little background info regarding her avatar that reads "I'm a staunch supporter of baked goods and I nailed my fair skin".

If you still haven't created your own Simpsons Avatar, try it now by
clicking here and don't forget to email it to me when you are done for posting on pop-o-matic!

More Simpsonsizing

Not only did Turkey turn herself into a Simpsons character, she also went directly to Moe's to experience a little Springfield charm.

Here's Big Daddy from Bon Jour Pee Wee. Hmm, after looking at his avatar and my own, I wonder if we are somehow related?

Weekend Recap

I feel like I crammed an entire weekend of activities into last Thursday night, which is why I didn't even post anything on Friday. I started off meeting fellow bloggers for happy hour after work in the village. Although I only stayed an hour and left before a lot of people arrived, I had a great time and actually remember the entire happy hour since I had to leave before getting as trashed as usual.

I left the bloggers and headed up town to my favorite Upper West Side bar, Yogi's, where I met up with Seth, Kelly, Adam, and Daniella. We had tickets for the 8:30 showing of Harry Potter in 3D at the Imax so we didn't have a lot of time at Yogi's. It was still enough to down several pitchers of beer and a few cocktails before heading over to the theater. I'm not going to spend too much time talking about Harry Potter I'll just say I was disappointed and found this to be the dullest in the series yet. There is an incredible fight scene at the end but unfortunately it just wasn't enough and this film seemed to lack the fun and excitement of the ones before.

After Potter, we headed to a bar for a few after movie drinks, which turned into a very late night/after party back at our place in Brooklyn. Kelly decided to chuck a sicky on Friday and crashed at our place Thursday night. On Friday, we all woke late to throbbing hangovers and spent the day convalescing. That night, Kitty came over for beer and Mexican food and we hung out chatting, gossiping, and watching lots of Ninja Warrior.

On Saturday Seth & I headed out to do some errands and were soon chased back indoors by the heat and humidity. Since nothing beats a cold beer on a hot day, we spent the rest of the day drinking, rearranging the apartment and looking at pictures from last week's vacation (yes, we used an old fashioned film camera).

So how was your weekend?

Even More Friends From Springfield

Here's Kelly!

Love the shirt Kelly

Check It Out

Its been a while since I posted anything Star Wars related (at least I don't remember posting anything Star Wars related recently) and technically, I'm not posting anything about Star Wars right now. Instead, I'm telling everyone to visit Zombie Fights Shark for the most bizarre/hysterical Star Wars related whatever I have seen all day.

Zombie Fights Shark!: Ewok Celebration Song... Barbershop Style!

More Friends From Springfield

Earlier (see post below) I posted my Simpsons avatar and asked (in the comments section) for others to email me their avatars if they make one.

Looks like Kitty just got Simpsons-ized! Check her out!

Everybody Else Is Doing It ...

Irish and Jew did it a few weeks ago. Jdizzle did it yesterday.

So now I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

Meet Jeff McClure!



Click Here to make your own Simpsons avatar.

Spoiler Alert

Click Here. It has nothing to do with Harry Potter so you won't be pissed at me after.

The pop-o-matic Bar Report Special Restaurant Edition

I very rarely go out for dinner. Usually I go out for drinking and there may or may not be food served where I'm drinking. If I do make dining out plans it usually means heading to my favorite neighborhood pub, where I can always get a good beer, great burger and friendly service. They don't know my name at this pub but they know Kitty's and I'm usually with her.

This past Monday I actually had dinner plans (that means meeting people at a restaurant mainly for food). My sister in law was in town for a few days for business and we decided to get together at one of her favorite restaurants. She and my brother left NYC back in 2003 for California and as it turns out, her favorite restaurant is right in my hood.

Convivium Osteria, on 5th Avenue in Park Slope is a cozy little spot that features an Italian, Portuguese, and Spanish mix cuisine and the decor to match. I didn't see any beer bottles behind the tiny bar so I decided to open the wine list, which is longer than some books I've read and provides a little bit of info on the bottles stored in the cellar. I started off with a glass of Merlot because Merlot was one of the only words I recognized (you may have figured out by now that I'm not much of a wine connoisseur) then went on to enjoy a bottle of whatever my sister in law ordered.

We ordered a bunch of appetizers, which ranged from a meat and cheese plate to what I think was a whole octopus (I didn't go near that one). These plates were all large enough that I could have left satisfied at that point but decided to order dinner as well. Many of the entrees involved fish of some sort and since I don't eat seafood, I ordered the Gnocchi al sugo di faraona e funghi di bosco (Potato gnocchi with guinea-fowl and wild mushroom ragu). I'm not entirely sure what guinea-fowl is (some sort of bird I hope) but it was delicious!

Convivium Osteria is a bit more pricey than I'm used to but as I said before, dining out for me usually happens in a bar. I will definitely go back, in fact, this would be a great place to take my parents (who love eating out) if they ever actually visit. If I had some sort of rating system, I would give Convivium Osteria 4 out of 5 pop-o-matic bubbles!

Genius At Work #7

As much as I love a good beach vacation, there are a few elements of the beach itself that I'm not so crazy about. For starters, I hate sand. More specifically, I hate when sand gets all over my stuff and me. But even worse than sand, is sun screen.

You have to apply this crap a good hour before heading out and then you have to stand around waiting for it to sink in. If you sit down or put your shirt on before you've achieved proper absorption, all your efforts will be wiped off. Even once fully absorbed, you are left with a slick greasy feeling all day and there is no guarantee that you even covered your entire body - you'll just have to wait until that random patch of sun burnt skin appears to realize you missed a spot.

So here is my Genius idea - a sun screen pill! Think about, there is a pill for just about everything, from regulating your mood to keeping you from getting pregnant. So why in this modern pill happy era are we still slathering this messy crap on ourselves?

Come on pharmaceutical pushers, get with the program!

I'm Still Ready For The Summer!

After a week of fun and sun at the beach we return to our drab and bleak existences, with nothing to look forward to until Christmas. Yes, I know I'm being a little dramatic but vacation was a blast! Thanks Kitty for keeping an eye on things around here, I love that Nubbin story. And thanks for watching the cats. They said they had a lot of fun with you and I noticed that none of their chores were done so I imagine you let them get away with a lot more than we do.

Now that vacation is over, I'm making a conscious effort to keep summer-vacation Jeff (or "Snack" as I somehow became known over the week) alive and kicking. With just a few simple life changes, I plan to bring the holiday home and so can you! Following are a few of my ideas and I hope you add your own in the comments section.

1. Drink more beer and drink it more frequently.
At home I normally opt for vodka because I've convinced myself it has less calories and fat than beer. On vacation, I only drink vodka for breakfast before cracking open my first cold one. For now on, I choose to limit my vodka consumption to Bloody Marys (which should never be drank after the sun sets) and go with beer at all other times.

2. Eat more junk food.
So what if its compressed into a can, it's still cheese isn't it?

3. Wear shorts and flip-flops to work.
I don't want to get anyone into trouble with this one so check with your human resource department first. If you are anything like me and are grossed out by your feet being so exposed on the subway, then do what I'm doing and wear Vans to work and keep a pair of flip-flops at the office to change into. It's sort of like Mr. Rodgers meets Jeff Spicoli.

4. Shower less.
A little sunscreen can go a long way in fighting body odor and it will help you fight the sun's harmful cancer light. So rather than jumping in the shower every morning, just slab a little Coppertone on.

5. Install an outdoor shower on your terrace or roof.
Lets face it, your are going to have to take the occasional shower and nothing says vacation like showering outdoors. If you don't have a terrace or roof access, try a fire escape and hose attached to the kitchen sink.

6. Get but naked!.
Whether you believe in evolution or creationism pull your head out of your ass clothing is man made. So why conform to man's restrictions? If you are a little trepidatious about this one, take baby steps by skinny dipping. Then you can move on to skinny hot-tubbing, streaking on the beach and eventually you will be skinny rocking-chairing.

That's about all I can think of right now so I hope you can help add to this list.

The Nubbin - A Hipster Toll Bridge Story - The Conclusion

Hi Gang!

If you haven't read Chapter 1 of this little tale, scroll down to the post following this one...

When we left off, my angry and confused crew was listening to the details of the story. As we made our way upstairs, the search was on for "the guy who look's like he's in the White Stripes, wearing a skinny tie and Capezios". My friend Jess, who is very Brooklyn, was eager for the inevitable confrontation, and even when we had almost given up on finding him, she insisted we not leave until we search a little more thoroughly. Alas, there was no sign of him, until I realized that he might be in the smoker's alley to the side of the bar. Sure enough, there he was, leaning with his back up against a brick wall, hunched over, one Capezioed foot propped back on the wall, talking to his hipster friend while he smoked a cigarette.

Kitty: (standing a foot in front of him, pointing directly into his face, my husband close behind): There he is! Babe, there he is! That's him!

At this point, my husband deftly swept up next to the hipster, and, because of the hipster's crouched over positioning, my husband seriously towered over him.

Husband: (bad-assedly) Buddy...Why don't you do me and yourself a favor...and keep your feet away from my wife.
Hipster: (Nodding quickly) OK!
Kitty: (for some weird reason, giving him the thumbs up sign) Yeah!

We triumphantly exited the smoking section, while I bragged to all our friends about my husband's defense of my honor, which I thought was flawless. No fisticuffs, no obscenities...my husband let the Nubbin man know who was boss, but he remained civilized (which never gets you thrown out of bars). We later discovered that the Nubbin man was a member of a band that had played previously in the evening, and that they were from France. Our investigators are already hard at work looking for the band's assumingly lame MySpace page.

The Nubbin - A Hipster Toll Bridge Story - Chapter One

Hello Pop-O-Matic Gang!

Kitty here, from My Husband Hates Veggies. I am happy to report that the ladies of 7th Avenue (Kiki & Mame, Jeff & Seth's cats) are alive and well, and eating enough for three (Mame being an attractively Rubenesque feline).

I apologize for neglecting you for the past few days, and have decided to share a little story with you all that happened a few weeks back.

My husband and I were at a local live music/bocce ball court/watering hole, to see a band that my husband has been working with. We had a gaggle of buddies with us, we were jamming to the tunes, and having a "2 beer buzz" good time. I made my way to the unisex restroom, ala Ally McBeal, and on my way out, was stopped dead in my tracks, toll bridge style, by the leg of a sitting fella who was dressed like he was in the White Stripes - but if the White Stripes wore all black and white instead of red. He was surrounded on either side by hipsters and ladies who appeared to be struggling fashion models. He wore Capezios. A "conversation" followed:

Kitty (smiling): Do I know you?
Hipster: (smirking): {unintelligible mumblings}

I gave a small chuckle, smiled politely at what I thought was a lame flirtation attempt, and made my way once again to rejoin my crew. Once again: Hipster Toll Bridge! Confused, annoyed, and over it now, I look to his friends and say:

Kitty: I don't know this guy. Do you know this guy? Can you tell him to cut the shit?

This is when the climax (no pun intended) of our story occurs. For at this moment, Hipster points his Capezio toe, and nuzzles it squarely into my crotch, and begins twisting his toe, presumably aiming for my magic button.

Kitty (backing off his foot in horror, but also trying not to spill a beer): What the fuck are you doing? Who the fuck are you?
Hipster (with utter smarminess): I am giving you a nubbin. What's the matter? Don't you like the nubbin?

I know, I know, I should've thrown my drink at him. Instead, I disgustedly went to push past him again, at which point, I kid you not, he attempted to erect the Hipster Toll Bridge once more. This caught the attention of Struggling Fashion Model #1, who turned around to survey the situation. I locked eyes with her, my fellow sister, to hopefully intervene in this dilemna that her friend was causing. She slowly looked me up and down from head to toe and back again, and then, after deciding that I was the most boring creature she had even laid eyes upon, uttered a long weary sigh, and turned back to her other friend. All this hapenned at about the same moment that a pointed Capezio made it's way back to my crotch. Luckily, my crotch dodged his shoe, which I believe was running late for the Chorus Line open call down the street. I pushed at his leg (without spilling my beer!), and high on adrenaline, made my way back to my husband and friends, who were all very angry, albeit confused, by my tale.

Continued tomorrow...

All I Ever Wanted

Remember that song from Meatballs, "Are you ready for the summer"?

That's ringing through my head right now because I'm gathering my gear (swim trunks, sun screen, beach towel, plastic two-beer-holder hat) and heading to the beach! For the next week I'll be getting shit-faced enjoying the sand and surf on Ocracoke Island in the Outer Banks of North Carolina.

Thanks to AT&T's craptastic coverage, my cell phone doesn't work on Ocracoke and I'm not bringing a computer so I will be completely out or range and out of touch for a whole week. I can't wait! Its going to be just like Survivor without all the surviving and with plenty or booze and food.

I've asked Kitty to take care of my cats and you while I'm gone so check back here for her postings and remind her to feed my cats.

Also, if you are looking for some fun-time summer jams, Seth just released his latest podcast titled, Escape Pod. It's a little bit of Styx, Gwen Stefani, Kylie, Meatballs, B-Ho! and more all thrown into one.

Have a great week everybody!

Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing Part 2

If you haven't already read part 1 of my Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing recap then please click here and read it so I don't have to retype anything (sorry, I'm lazy). Go ahead, the rest of us will wait while you get caught up. ...... Done? Great, lets get to part 2!

In addition to the Wii Wheel, which we discussed in part 1 so I hope you weren't lying when you said you read it, Nintendo will also release two additional Wii controller accessories. The first, the Wii Zapper (working name), is a unique hand-held frame that allows you to attach both the Wii-Remote and Nunchuk to each other in a blaster housing. And just why would you want to do this you might ask? First-person shooter games of course! The Zapper will arrive this year packaged with a Nintendo developed game. My guess is the game will be something that recreates those crazy carnival games where you shoot water into a clown's mouth and a balloon inflates out of his head. Does anyone else find that creepy? Regardless of the Nintendo game, the Zapper will really shine on Capcom's new Resident Evil game, the Umbrella Chronicles. This shooter reveals the back story behind the fall of the Umbrella Corporation by exploring locations from previous Resident Evil titles plus never-before-seen locations, like Umbrella's stronghold. This is definitely not your father's zombie blasting game.

The other big news from yesterday's briefing is Wii Fit, a new game that will make going to the gym obsolete if Nintendo has their way. Fit comes with the Wii Wireless Balance Board (working name), a pressure sensitive board that looks like a large scale. You begin Fit by standing on the board and having some basic measurements taken and recorded. Don't worry, you won't have to endure seeing your weight displayed on your plasma because Fit measures and tracks your Body Mass Index (BMI). The game then offers more than 40 activities including aerobics, yoga, muscle stretches, and hula hooping plus sports, like soccer. The idea is to stay active while having fun and hopefully watch your BMI come down.

The Wii Zapper and Resident Evil: Umbrella Corporation are scheduled to be in stores in time for the holidays. No date was given for Wii Fit but it should be out some time in 2008.

Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing Part 1

First of all, I want to thank my friends at Nintendo for bringing today's E3 Media Briefing to New York. Today's briefing, which took place in Santa Monica on Day 1 of E3, was broadcast at Nintendo World in Rockefeller center for those of us who didn't bother to go couldn't make it to CA for this year's stripped-down expo.

A majority of the briefing was spent citing some incredibly impressive numbers that validate Nintendo's general awesomeness and dominance in the industry. I'm not going to bore you with numbers because lets face it, unless you are an accountant, numbers are boring. Instead, I'm going to get to the good stuff and by stuff, I mean new games!

Including downloadable Virtual Console titles, there are currently over 150 games available for the Wii. By the end of the year, that number will climb to roughly 350. I guess I lied about not talking about numbers. Some of those games were shown today along with additional titles due in 2008. This year we should see the release of Super Mario Galaxy (finally), which was originally shown at last year's E3 event. Galaxy looks amazing and takes the Mario franchise, originally launched with Super Mario 64, into an entirely new world. Players navigate Mario through a series of gravity-defying planets, challenges and power-ups in vivid detail.

Also due before the end of the year is Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This sequel to the number one selling game of all time on Nintendo's GameCube ups the ante with new characters, new moves and new arenas in this smash or be smashed brawling game.

One of the most highly anticipated games due next year from Nintendo is Mario Kart Wii (working title). The Wii edition of the popular and long running Mario Kart series, will allow players to challenge and race other players around the world through Nintendo's WiFi service. In order to keep the race fair and give both beginners and pros a chance to win, Mario Kart Wii will come with Nintendo's new wireless Wii Wheel, a steering wheel housing for the Wii-Remote that introduces new controls and challenges.

I've got oodles of more Nintendo goodness to share with you but not enough space to do it in one post. So, check back tomorrow for part 2 of my report from the Nintendo E3 2007 Media Briefing.

iNot So Sure

I finally had a chance to check out the iPhone in person. This guy standing next to me on the subway had one and was definitely enjoying showing it off. Fortunately, his obnoxious display gave me the chance to get a close look and my biggest fear for the iPhone was confirmed - finger smudges!

I hate finger smudges on anything shiny. From stainless steel kitchen appliances to windows to LCD screens, smudges drive me crazy! Now, I'm having second thoughts about the iPhone, which is a virtual smudge magnet. If Apple hasn't addresses the smudge bug by the time version 2.0 comes out, which is the earliest I would even consider buying one, I'll have to really go to work developing a genius solution.

Apparently, I'm not the only fuss-bucket who thinks smudges are evil. Somebody else actually created something to illustrate their insanity. Enjoy!

Super Happy Terrific Products

It's no secret that I'm a fairly unreasonable germophobe. I'll consistently go out of my way to avoid touching anything with my hands that may have been touched already by the general public. While I haven't reached Howard Hughes levels of insanity yet (I gingerly touch a bathroom door handle to get out rather than wait for someone else to open the door from the outside) I have no doubt that this phobia will only get worse as I get older.

Which brings us to today's Super Happy Terrific Products - the Handler!



Apparently this little hook dohicky is strong enough to pull open a door, press a toilet handle, touch the buttons on an A.T.M., etc. The product description also includes some falderal about being infused with nano silver particles which effectively kill 98% of all single-celled organisms (bacteria, viruses and fungi) on contact. Whatever.

Its usually sold on Amazon for $10.95 but appears to be out of stock right now. I'll keep checking back and let you know as soon as they are available.

Back To Reality

Its been almost a week since my last post and what a week its been. For starters, last Tuesday was the blogger happy hour. I met up with the authors of some of my favorite blogs for drinks in the East Village and still have the bruises to prove it. Seriously, does anyone who was out that night know why my shin has a giant bruise on it? The following day was July 4th, which we celebrated over at Kelly and Adam's place. Adam managed to grill up some delicious food on the grill before the rain started and we all got sufficiently bombed by the time the fireworks began.

Seth and I took care of a lot of busy work around the apartment for most of the day on Thursday then Friday we rolled out to the theater for the Transformers movie. I have to admit I went into the movie expecting to be disappointed and boy howdy was I proven wrong. Transformers was insane! Sure, it had a fair amount of goofy bs and it seemed like an awful lot of time without anything transforming but all that was nothing compared to the fighting between the Autobots and Decipticons. After seeing the movie, Seth and decided to changes the names of our two cats to Optimus Prime and Megatron.

Later that night, Kitty came over for some Wii action and we played Mario Party then tested our brain size with Big Brain Academy. We left Brooklyn for the first time of our Independence holiday weekend on Saturday when we traveled into Manhattan and up to the Upper West side to hang out with friends Francisco and Jeff. Finally on Sunday we recuperated from our 4-day hangovers rested and relaxed before heading back to work today.

The Countdown Has Begun

I've got so many things to look forward to in the immediate future that I can barely focus on typing this post. Maybe a little Focusyn would help.

For starters, there's the bloggers booze fest gathering this afternoon evening to look forward to. Aside from my own group of friends who I have been getting trashed with I have enjoyed the company of for many many years, my fellow bloggers drink like its their jobs.

Today also marks the opening of the Transformers movie! I have been salivating over this movie for as long as it was rumored to be in the works and my anticipation hit a new level when it was finally announced that production had begun. I have to be honest, I have a feeling that Michael Bay will rely on human characters that are so cliche and stereotypical that I'll route for their horrible deaths. But so what? I'm going to this movie for the Autobots and Decepticons.

Tomorrow is Independence day, which I'm fairly certain has something to do with freeballing it all day. With or without underpants, I'll be joining some friends and loved ones for a good old fashioned BBQ and hopefully illegal fireworks display.

Last but not least, as of 5:00 this afternoon, I've got a 5 day weekend to enjoy! My dreams of the workday/weekend reversal will come true if only for a week.

So I hope everyone else is as excited about the next few days as I am. I'll probably be too drunk busy to blog much over the next few days but you never know so check back.

Just In Time For Independence Day

Seth's latest NSFW podcast is now available for your listening enjoyment. Titled "American Dream," its another rebel rousing raunchy ride that roughly four minutes into the voyage features a cameo performance by Stephen Hawking singing War Pigs.

Check it out for yourself and let your freak flag fly at Seth In Brooklyn!

News Dump

From Monday's Curbed.com comes the following story:

The plague of human defecation spreading across Boerum Hill as of late has the neighborhood awash in crap and up in arms. Comes this morning to the Curbed inbox the first bona fide break in the case—a genuine crapper sighting!

Emails our tipster, "I just spent my morning cleaning poop off of my stoop. For the second time in two weeks I got pooped on. This time I saw her. I live on Dean St between Hoyt and Bond. 6:00am this morning my wife heard..... well peeing.... she woke me up and I went to the door. I live in the garden apartment so I looked up and saw butt—thus I yelled 'HEY MOVE YOUR ASS!!!!' This was the first time in my life that I literally meant it."

I'm sure Kelly whoever this is had a perfectly reasonable excuse.

How Was Everybody's Weekend

After the past three weeks of unusually busy days at work, I decided it was time to let loose and began my weekend Thursday during happy hour with Kelly and her friend, Daniella at Whiskey Ward on the lower East side. I only stayed for a few because I promised Seth that I would prepare dinner back at the apartment that night. I barely know how to to turn the kitchen's cooking things on so that meant stopping off at our favorite Chinese Mexican joint on the way home. Later that night, Kelly, Who stayed out drinking on the LES, stopped by our place on her way home and ended up staying until Friday evening. We had some more drunk than usual Wii-ing and eventually passed out on the floor in the living room.


Friday evening Seth, Kelly and I headed over to Kitty's place to meet up with Kitty, her husband, Cyndi, Monkey Daemon, Kitty's cousin and cousin's boyfriend. We then headed up to Prospect Park with our blankets, booze and a delicious assortment of cheeses and snacks for a Jazz concert. All though it looked like it might rain at any moment and we even felt a few occasional drops, the weather remained dry and turned into a beautiful night. We all headed back to Kitty's once the booze ran out after we had our fill of jazz for more drinks and plenty of Robotron.


Seth and I were up bright and early on Saturday eagerly anticipating what was supposed to be the highlight of our weekend - Morrissey at the Garden. We quickly found out Morrissey cancelled the show claiming that his throat was soar. Seth spent some time commiserating over the internets with other pissed off fans, when he happened upon our favorite quote of the day on some message board. One "fan" when discussing Morrissey's cancellation wrote "that fat old homo pulls this all the time"! We spent the rest of the day cursing that fat old homo and if the new date is scheduled for a night that we can't make it, that fat old homo will find himself on the receiving end of many angry blog posts here on pop-o-matic.

The rest of my weekend was relatively peaceful and relaxing but peppered with more Morrissey damnations. We even managed to rescue Saturday night by discovering a movie on Demand called 'Drive Through' about a killer clown/fast food mascot named Horny, who goes on a killing spree in the OC. I won't give too much away but let me tell you, I'll never look at a deep fry machine the same way again.

So, how was your weekend?

In Case You Haven't Seen It Yet

David Pogue of the New York Times, reviews the iPhone. This video cuts out the goofy beginning he filmed and gets right to the good stuff.
I still have some unanswered questions before I'm sold but I've already started looking around the apartment for things to stoop sale in order to buy one.

Genteel Geoff Says

Modern life is fraught with social dilemmas and quandaries. Today we are faced with more vexing questions than simply when is it appropriate to wear white and what fork do I eat my salad with. To help you navigate politely through life's perplexing problems, we have enlisted the help of mannerly polite-ician, Genteel Geoff, to answer your questions. If you have a question for Genteel Geoff, email him at GenteelGeoffSays@gmail.com

Dear Genteel Geoff,

Yesterday on my way home from work, I was going in the subway at the 42nd street Bryan Park stop. I stopped in the turnstile as I always do and propped my bag up on the shelf to my left to find my metrocard. Out of nowheres some person comes up and axes me to move my bag so they can get threw the turnstile on my left. It was a good thing for that mofo that it took me another 10 minutes to find my card cause I was gonna catch him and beat his ass.

Whats up with that?
Anita Sue-Simmons


Dear ASS,

Allow me to begin by saying that I am familiar with the Bryan"T" Park subway station. This particular station possesses such an abundance of underground space adjacent to the turnstiles, that you will find the MTA "ticket booth, a florist with a wonderful selection of cut flowers and small plants, and a full newsstand stocked with daily periodicals and monthly magazines. Might I suggest that in the future, today for example, you take advantage of the spaciousness of this station and stand clear of the turnstiles as you dig through your rudely over-sized bag in search of your Metrocard. You see, ASS, by standing in one turnstile and propping your bag on the card scanner of another, you are blocking two of the four turnstiles that are actually in working order.

This may come as a shock to you, but you are not the only person in New York City. I imagine you also choose to stand on the subway station steps to finish phone calls or cigarettes and probably stop at the immediate top of an escalator to gather your bearings. If you were to take your head out of your bag, ASS, you might notice the millions of other New Yorkers around you, who also just want to go home or do a little shopping. If everyone of those New Yorkers were as oblivious to each other as you, none of us would ever get anywhere.

So try being a little more aware of those around you and remember, ASS, that manners are the glue that hold society together.

Sincerely,
Genteel Geoff

Genius At Work #6

Occasionally I have ideas that I think can make the world a better place to live in. Lacking the manufacturing capabilities to bring my ideas to fruition, they usually go to waste in my mind. So I've decided to post my ideas here in the hopes that some mega corporation will stumble across them and throw bucket loads of cash at me to turn these ideas into reality. Of course, the mega corporations will probably just steal my ideas and screw me but at least I'll have the proof to back up my "hey that was my idea" rantings.

Personally, I find the whole concept of spending money on a device that simulates the experience of popping bubble wrap to be ridiculous and beyond unnecessary. However, I have to applaud the person that came up with the idea and actually convinced someone to invest and manufacturer the PuchiPuchi (pictured).

What makes the PuchiPuchi even more shocking, is that it is from the toy company, Bandai, makers of Power Rangers action figures and Tamagotchi pets. Perhaps PuchiPuchi signals a whole new direction for the toy company into the category of unnecessary crap. With that in mind, I'd like to pitch them my idea for the Stapleless Stapler Banger.

Is there anything more rewarding than stapling papers together with a forceful whack to your desk stapler? Of course there isn't! But what to do when you have nothing to staple together? Enter the Stapleless Stapler Banger! This device looks just like a conventional stapler but doesn't have any staples loaded, which allows you to bang away all day without wasting paper. Not only revolutionary, the Stapleless Stapler Banger is a great stress-reducing gizmo and will make the perfect gift for college grads who are stupid enough to take a job immediately following graduation.